Are you 6'4" or taller? Can you run the 40 in 4.4 or less? Do you have a vertical leap of over 39"?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then USC football wants YOU! Regardless of your (or your family's) criminal history. Forget about your character. If you are an incredible athlete willing to do whatever it takes to win while ignoring all of the rules, then come on down to glorious South Central L.A. Listen to these testimonials:
"I couldn't be happier here" said one
anonymous linebacker. "I was arrested on a
battery charge last year for beating the
brains out of some random dude at a party,
but The Carrolleone Family made everything
disappear. They own the police!"
A former defensive superstar adds,
"They caught me with 136 ecstacy pills and I
had just raped some passed out hoochie, and
all they made me do was transfer. I wanted to
go to another Pac 10 school, but Godfather
Carrolleone made me an offer that I couldn't
refuse, so I ended up in Vegas. No matter;
it's all good!"
Yes, it's true. Whether you sell ecstacy, randomly beat people up or like to rape young girls, The Carrolleone Family has the connections to make all of your legal troubles go away. All we care about is national championships, so as long as you are performing, you can be protected from meddlesome police.
We have built a strong "tradition" based on the model established by the great Dennis Ericson at the fine University of Miami, only we have perfected it!
Fight (defenseless college kids), Undermine, Cill* (ex-wives), act with Lawless abandon, Assault On!. Or as we like to say for short, "FUCLA!"
*they spell "Kill" with a "C" at USC.