Help Wanted: College Football Head Coach

Come to one of the finest universities in the world, all the while enjoying great weather, beautiful beaches, and bountiful dining and entertainment options galore!

Come be head coach at the University of California, at Los Angeles!

Your team will play in one of the most beautiful and historical football stadiums in the country: the Rose Bowl, recently voted one of the top 20 sports venues of the 20th century by CNN/SI!

Los Angeles is a dynamic, diverse city in southern California, a major media market and in the backdrop of the entertainment capital of the world!

Recruit in one of the deepest and best talent pools in the country, where recruits will literally line up for letters of intent! Despite all the recruiting advantages, expectations are quite low: 6 win seasons and lower tier bowls are the standard! No pressure!

Here's the best part: NO HEAD COACHING EXPERIENCE REQUIRED! Sound too good to be true? It isn't!!

We're looking for a handsome, fit, nice man who will run a clean program. Thoughtfulness, as demonstrated by remembering birthdays of various office staff, are a plus. Weight will be given towards former UCLA graduates.

Minority applicants are encouraged to apply, and will be given special considerations and allowances during times of poor job performance!

We offer a competitive salary of just under one million dollars per year, plus lucrative incentives!

High energy and motivating applicants need not apply. We prefer a low key, "statuesque" demeanor on the sidelines. We feel 18-21 year-olds respond better to a calm, soothing influence in the locker room, not to the fiery and intense types.

Being articulate with the media is not required. Must be very familiar with cliches and have an uncanny ability to come up with nonsensical phrases.

We also have a bevy of journalists ready to defend you at all costs against those unruly alumni, many of whom harbor unrealistic expectations of Pac-10 championships and regular victories over our cross-town rival. We don't worry about them!

Great university, dynamic city, beautiful weather, top venue, recruiting advantages, low expectations, seven figure salary, no experience required......what more can you ask for??

Apply today!!!!

Ad paid for by UCLA Administrators and the Morgan Center.