A treatise on Cal’s mascot

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I want to have a short discussion on Oski, the Golden Bear who graces Cal games and events with his presence.  If you have never seen Oski in person or in photograph form, I suggest you do a google image search; you’ll need an understanding of his physical appearance to understand my thesis at all.

And what thesis could I come up with about the mascot of our “parent” institution, you ask?  What could I possibly want to prove about the bear who undeniably brought about Joe and Josie bruin as we know them today?  It is this:  Oski is by far the creepiest mascot in our conference, if not the nation.

I would like to prove my point by attacking three of his attributes - his appearance, his actions, and his activities – but I will start with his appearance.  His face is a good launching board.  It is flattened, has a high, wrinkled forehead and a slouching, almost furrowed brow, contains the hint of whiskers, and is mostly defined by the ear to ear grin that sits above his straight-to-neck chin.  Overall, these are characteristics that I would use to describe a caricature of an old man, which is not a bad description of the rest of Oski’s appearance.  He wears old-people sweat pants with running shoes, slouches his head forward, and has a penchant for sweaters that belong in the 50’s.  Overall, it gives Oski a general feeling that he himself is in his 50’s, which is creepy.  I’m not trying to say that all people in their 50’s are inherently creepy, but in Oski’s case, the combination of the elderly face, the almost psychotic smile, and the intensely focused eyes instantly gives people the sense that this tricky old man is up to something.  And because of his actions, crowd members are led to believe that he’s up to something creepy.

Now for his actions; I realize that not many people spend a sporting event watching the mascot because of the sport that is being played.  But I encourage you to watch Oski when you next get the chance and you’ll see what I mean about his actions being creepy.  His gait is one of his habits that freaks me out.  Whenever he walks somewhere he folds his hands behind his back (which effectively sticks his turtle-ing neck out even more) and sways side to side as he makes long, sweeping strides.  The effect of this is something akin to ice skating, but when performed by Oski, the combination of the sway, the lowered head, and the running shoes (why would he wear those?) make you feel uncomfortable if he is walking towards you.  Keep an eye on him, though, because his gait isn’t the only habit of his that is questionable.  He very much likes to be near, and to watch the cheerleaders.  In a lot of mascots, this is very normal; their youthful energy blends with the energy of the cheerleaders to rally the fans.  But, as I’ve pointed out, Oski looks old, and watching him stand there with his hands behind his back, rubbing them together as he stares at the young cheerleaders’ routines, I wonder if a real 50 year old man would be able to get away with the same thing.  And it’s not just the Cal cheerleaders he seems to be drawn too.  When I was at the Cal game two years ago, I watched in horror as he inched his way closer and closer to the end zone where the UCLA cheerleaders were, which really made me see how creepy it is.  I won’t go into this anymore because I’m already creeping myself out, but watch him next time.  He also likes to stare down people and point at them menacingly, which is just as frightening as his walk.

Now, his activities.  There is a youtube video of Oski taking a shot at a party in a bar.  Now, aside from the fact that mascots should be representatives of their school, and should probably refrain from taking shots while in costume, Oski found a way to make it creepier.  Not only did he take a shot – He Took The Shot Through His Eye.  Yes, you read correctly.  There is a video of Oski taking a shot through his eye.  This, and all of the fights he’s gotten into with the Stanford tree, is my justification for saying that his activities are creepy.

And now, you might be wondering what type of conclusion I can formulate from my arguments.  Well, I think I’ve clearly proven that Oski is creepy – the kind of creepy like old Mr. Jerkins who gives candy to little children out of an unmarked van in the alleyway.  The kind of creepy like old man Wallace, who has to legally alert his neighbors of his previous convictions.  My conclusion:  we need a new set of parody lyrics that accurately reflects his creepiness!

Yes, that’s right; I have written this entire treatise on Oski’s creepiness as self promotion for my new set of parody lyrics:  "The Creepy Golden Bear."  Some of you may be old enough to remember the lyrics to “The Dirty Golden Bear,” which was sung to “Fight for California.”  Not many people remember them because they were just so vulgar that it was hardly worth remembering.  I believe that these lyrics are much more memorable because they’re much more believable.

So learn ‘em, print ‘em out, distribute ‘em like crazy, and sing loudly in the Cal stands to let everyone know just how creepy Oski is.

If you’d like to hear how it goes with the song, you can find a recording here.

The Creepy Golden Bear,

He haunts all my nightmares.

He has a smashed face and a stare

That really gives me quite a scare.

 

The Creepy Golden Bear

He hangs around Day Cares

And touches himself, while watching children play

The Creepy Golden Bear

 

(Interlude)

 

He’s watching you

He’s watching you

He’s watching you

While you sleep

In your Bed

He’s in your closet right now,

So call the Cops.

 

The Creepy Golden Bear,

Young Women he ensnares

Make sure that Josie’s not alone,

She has to have Joe Bruin there.

 

The Creepy Golden Bear,

His criminal record does declare,

That he will rape anyone anywhere

The Creepy Golden Bear.

The lyrics are by me: The Ninjkabat.

Please feel free to share them with anyone.

Let's see if we can't get the student section to sing it at the Cal game.