Pwer the cited article:

What’s next?
USC has been conducting its own self-investigation, and the Los Angeles Daily News reported last week that the school expects to report to the NCAA this week that it was unaware of any improper activity between Mayo and Guillory.

Mike Garrett: “Hey, flunky minion, rush over to the dorm and see if there’s anything to this Mayo accepting payola thing! “

Flunky Minion: “O.k., Boss. I’ll be back in a jiffy!” (departs, stage left)

MG: “dum..de.dum..de..dum. Tweedle..de.dum..de..dum..”

(Flunky Minion returns, out of breath)

FM: “Hey chief, I think we’re o.k. on this one. I went up to Mayo’s old dorm room and didn’t see anything there. I mean, no TV or nothing!”

MG: (Exultant) “Well, that certainly is a relief! I thought we might have been in trouble there. I’ll let the NCAA guys know that they can call the dogs off.”

FM: “Yeah, boss, maybe they’ll drop the Bush stuff as well. I mean, his old dorm room was empty as well.”

(Scene fades into a ketchup-and-mustard haze as the strains of “Conquest” pot up)

They can combine everything into one report – “We have determined that OJ Mayo never actually played for justsc. It was somebody else. Therefore, all the money that justsc and others paid doesn’t violate anything. And as to bu$h, we have determined that the U.S. Supreme Court has already ruled that he won the election, so there is nothing we can do.

We are now opening an investigation about UCLA, because we have heard some anonymous blogger from Tampa has been critical about us, so we are stripping UCLA of all titles, are ordering the campus burned down, and have sentenced Coach Wooden to 13 years at Leavenworth.

So let that be a lesson to you.”

The report can and will be very concise.