This just leaked from NCAA Headquarters....
"After a very lengthy, albeit not not very penetrating, investigation, we reluctantly announce the severe 'Death Penalty' against the Southern California football oligarchy.
"As is well known on the Internet (but not to the Los Angeles Times), the USC Trojan football program has been point and center in an impressive list of scandals. We refer you to the Bruins Nation's Menelaus file, too large for us to reproduce here.
"We specifically acknowledge that Reggie Bush was accorded extra benefits far in excess of those normally lavished on USC's so-called student athletes. Our judgment is that Mr. Bush has suffered enough through his association with the Kardashian family, so he may retain his ill-gotten Heisman trophy.
"We further acknowledge the zero degrees Kelvin institutional control by President Sample, Athletic Director Garrett, and Chief Ethicist Senora Ross. Our judgment is that everything that happened was the work of one man with nice hair, who has been removed from all university activities (granted, with an eye-opening severance package and a promise not to talk). We refer, of course, to Mr. Tim Floyd. We direct you to the Bruins Nation documentary, "The Sound of SCilence" for further details.
"Finally, we acknowledge the many contributions to bottom-line NCAA revenues gushing from a non-regulated Trojan program. This, in concert with the college's enviable relationship with local law enforcement personnel and the exemplary role-model behavior of the head coach, Mr. Pete Cheat Carroll, results in the following unprecedented sanctions:
"1. Because their behavior is reminiscent of Delta House, they are placed on double-secret probation.
"2. Because they have a poor defense and an untried quarterback and have no chance of making the BCS championship game or even a Rose Bowl berth against a laughable Big Ten team, for this year only the University is banned from post-season play. We understand this will cause great suffering among alumni who would normally flock to the Poinsettia Bowl, Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl, or Chick-fil-A Bowl.
".3 Because they must now compete for academically-challenged recruits against Lane Kiffin and Steve Sarkisian, they are given the additional handicap of losing one scholarship each year through the rest of this decade (i.e., 2010). Please note that as part of the nation's Stimulus Bill, it is acceptable and encouraged for the University to hire marginally-qualified employees whose sons may play varsity without counting against scholarship limits.
"We understand that these egregious sanctions may cause some embarrassment among other schools who have received more lenient treatment in past years (such as forfeiting games). By pounding Southern California as we have, we trust that others who might consider behaving similarly will be fully deterred."