BREAKING NEWS-USC Marketing Explained

Note: recreated from a comment by request.

I heard that Garrett, Cheatey, Trutanich and Schenter had a conference call to discuss damage control. They quickly decided to come up with an explanation for USC Marketing. My friend works for AT&T and surreptitiously recorded the call. He would not let me release the actual recording, but I did transcribe it. Here it is for the first time anywhere.

Cheatey: (having participated in similar fire fighting exercises on numerous occasions made a suggestion) Hey I know. Let’s say it’s an acronym for something.

Garrett: A who’s what's it now?

Trutanich: Damn it, Mike. You don’t know what an acronym is? An acronym is a group of letters where each is used as the first letter of a different word. You know, like “USC” stands for University of Southern California?

Garrett: I still don’t get it.

Trutanich: Jesus, where did you go to colle . . . oh wait. Never mind Mike. Just try not to speak for the rest of the call while us grown ups try to figure out what to do.

Garrett: (sticking thumb in mouth) Okay.

Cheatey: (while pursing his lips and with determination.  Think Will Ferrel as George W. Bush) How about Ultra Sexy Carroll?

Trutanich: That’s good, but it may lead to more questions about the live-in coed.

Cheatey: Got it.  GREAT comment, Tru!  It's at times like this when I love you more than my whittle Mattey Whattey.  He's so cute I just want to eat him up!

Schenter: I know. Unscrupulous Stab for Cash?

Trutanich: Again, guys, we are not going for accuracy. We are trying to come up with something that will allay suspicion, not increase it.

Cheatey: (this time pursing his lips and squinting his eyes)  Dudes, I've got it: Unquestionably Sexy Carroll.

Trutanich: (speechless.  looks down in disgust.  muttering to himself).  Why didn't I go UCLA?

Schenter: Untimely Statement on Corruption?

Cheatey: (somewhat sheepishly) Undeniably Sexy Carroll?

Trutanich: It’s official. You are all morons. How do you eat and walk straight, let alone coach a successful football team? Wait. I’ve got it. (directing the next question to Schenter) Have you ever been to China?

Schenter: There was one?

Trutanich: (large sigh and long pause) For God’s sake, just say it stands for United States China and claim to be working on some general marketing plan for an unnamed product or service to be sold or marketed in the United States and China. Make sure to explain it in an email because if any reporter worth his salt verbally asks you questions, you will never be able to handle it.