Trogan-to-English: Cheat Pete

This translation, from the Nov. 21 LA Times interview of Pete Carroll, is rated PG (pretty grotesque).  You know the drill: Cheat mouths off, then we interpret.

"I don't like people thinking bad things of me or the program."

Especially things that are true.

"I was in charge of it, so I have to totally own it."

At least until a bit further down the column, where I begin to make excuses in earnest.

On Reggie Bush: a. "I still don't know the details,"  b. "I wish I had known,"  c. "... it actually took place in San Diego," and d. "I won't talk to anybody else about it."

a. I've made every effort to hear no evil.   b. So I could cover it up.   c. Even the tricked out car and the marketing reps at our practices, they took place in San Diego.   d. Especially the NCAA or under oath in a court of law.

"Sports is the greatest vehicle on this planet to bring people together, and we were a symbol of that in our small way."

I am a humanitarian.  This is off the record, but I'm the frontrunner for next year's Nobel Peace Prize.

<The NCAA punishing Troy> "... it's like stopping evolution."

The more all institutions of higher learning become like the Trojan football program, the more advanced our society becomes.  It's in the Origin of SCpecies.

<Reaction to the sanctions> "It made me sick to my stomach."

I felt the same way reading your interview. 

"For people to judge our practices, in many cases never going to one, it's a shame."

Nestor tried to get in, but with all the celebrities, runners, sports agents, and illegal coaches, there wasn't any room.

<Sanctions for the practices shows that the NCAA is> "It's uneducated."

And if there's anything I'm an expert on, it's uneducatedness.

<On getting out of Dodge just before the law>  "I didn't do that."

This is as true as everything else in the interview.

"We were the best thing to happen to college football in every single way."

Let me count the ways.  1. Crime statistics.   2. Scandals (ref. Menelaus).   3. Farcical academics.   4. Payoffs to avoid testimony in open court.   5. Demeaning women.   6. Avoidance ot self-disclosure.   7. Conning the local media.  8. The only institution of higher learning to own the police.  9. Possessor of the highest-paid amateur footballer in history.  10. Proud to have OJ Simpson attend our practices.  11. Spawned Kiffin and Sark, great role models for the next generation of humanitarians.  etc etc etc 

T.J. Simers quotes his wife's more succinct, and certainly accurate, translation: "Oh puke."