The NCAA sanctioning committee reports that after an exhaustive investigation, spanning 4 years and costing literally millions of dollars, they have finally met and come to an agreement on what should be done to penalize the USC Trojans athletic department.
Meeting at a previously secret location, a Malibu condo, the committee determined that USC did in fact willingly and with knowledge violate numerous NCAA rules from 2000 through "well, frankly, about 15 minutes ago," a well placed source discloses. The sanctions the committee has handed down are severe, and serve as a warning to other universities and even private schools, according George Tenet, newly appointed spokesperson for the committee.
Speaking before reporters shortly after the Super Bowl ended, Tenet indicated that the USC athletic department would receive the following penalties:
1. "USC shall heretofore be known as the Trogans." Reasons for this NCAA mandated name change are currently unclear, though some have already suggusted that this is merely to ease the conscious of the committee, who felt they otherwise would not be able to actually hand out justice to the Trojans.
2. "USC shall have to keep Lane Kiffin as coach." While this is viewed in some circles as the NCAA's revised death penalty, most of the reporting pool felt that it wouldn't actually kill the program, but would rather make the program much closer to a zombie state. As a side note, it was determined that USC would have to keep Kiffin until he became the winningest NCAA FBS coach, or when Sarah Palin was re-elected Governor of Alaska, whichever occurred first.
3. "USC shall have to pull out of the Pac 10." A frustrated Pac 10 representative could not be reached for comment.
4. "USC shall have to forfeit any game in which Pete Carroll was acting like a dick." This is considered a difficult issue to enact, as USC officials at the meeting argued, to no avail, that Carroll is always a dick, and that they should only have to forfeit games in which he was being an uber-dick. While the NCAA committee did in fact listen to the argument, and seemed somewhat persuaded by the uber-dick defense, a simple semantic issue won the point for the NCAA. It was pointed out to the Trogans that Carroll is an uber-dick, but he acted at times merely like a dick. To this point, USC officials conceded that there was no way to defend that point, "like the crane defense in the Karate Kid, 'if done correctly, no defend'." Asked WTF that quote had to do with anything, the official formerly known as a Trojan simply shrugged his shoulders and quoted another movie from the 80's, also totally out of context.
5. "Mike Garrett shall become the Trogans new school president." Initially Garrett was very excited about this development, saying "I never dreamed I would become the president of a university." It was then pointed out that USC is in fact not a university, and that furthermore, Garrett's role was to be that of student body president. Garrett embarrassingly then stated that "I never dreamed I would become the student body president of a university," after which he was escorted from the room.
6. "Traveler has been issued a restraining order and must not ever again come within 50 yards of a competitive football game." With Kiffin as the coach, many felt that this particular sanction would not likely be cause for concern.
7. "The Trogans must appear on national television every weekend, and a high definition camera must be focused on Lane Kiffin at all times." Kiffin, who was at the meeting, appeared flattered by this until reminded that he frequently uses his fingers to determine the distance remaining after a play has ended. Always the optimist, Kiffin seemed to downplay that potential embarrassment by stating "I'm the head coach! I can have one of the players count on his fingers and tell me." This elegant solution seemed to ease everyones collective concern about this point until it was determined that few of the Trogan players could do hard math like that.
8. "All of the Trogan players and coaches from the BCS championship team have to give back their championship rings." At this point Pete Carroll, who was also in attendance, interrupted with the comment that "that would leave me with only one championship." It was at this point that the MSM seemed to become nervous. A representative of the AP news agency tentatively came forward and tried to explain to Carroll that to actually win a championship one has to actually compete in the event, and that the AP voting doesn't count as competing in a championship game. Carroll, ever the uber-dick, simply glared at the AP reporter, who returned to their seat. Carroll then blurted out "we won 2." Committee member Karl Rove, known to many simply as member Rove, then reminded Carroll "you can't win if you don't play."
9. "The Trogans football coaching staff shall stop recruiting players who are not able to view PG13 movies without an adult." On this point coach Kiffin asked if it was OK to still offer these kids a scholarship, while just skipping the whole recruiting thing. Asked to clarify his question, Kiffin asked if "Can't I just give them a scholarship, and not, ya know, recruit them." Here presiding NCAA sanctioning chairman Dick Rumsfeld indicated serious concern about Kiffins understanding of what the committee was doing. Kiffin replied that he though this was a presser, and when could he begin taking questions.
10. "The Trogans will not be penalized any scholarships, but must instead only recruit those players who are determined to be Trogan kind of players within 10 minutes of meeting them." Kiffin then asked for a clearification on this point, in order that he determine if that meant 10 of his meeting or that of his escorts. General laughter erupted, at which point it was determined that it would be easier for all involved if only points 1 and 2 were enforced.
The meeting was then adjourned, and everyone departed for the super bowl after parties in the immediate area.