Bumped. -BN Eds.
The LA Times has a lengthy Simers interview-and-story about Lane Kiffin. I'll spare you Lane's revisionist history about his Oakland Raiders experience, his non-excuse excuse for SC's win-loss record last year, his opaque defense of his dad the defensive (in more ways than one) coordinator, etc. What does stand out is his declaration that he can win national championships, and the reason why. "Sure we can.... We were here before. We saw exactly how it was done from A to Z."
Our sources obtained a copy of the top secret A to Z document. It is untouched from the Pete Carroll version, which in turn was only modestly updated from the John McKay original. It's after the Jump.
A -- "A", the guaranteed grade in Spanish (attendance not required)
B -- Ballroom dancing (keeps players eligible without taxing their minds)
D -- Dumb cheerleaders (morally flexible, celebrating the opponent's score)
E -- Excess (in all things nonacademic, for example, alcohol, steroids, criminal activity, spitting on ladies)
F -- Franklins (originally provided by Marv Goux)
G -- Girls (may go by the term "hostesses")
H -- Houses (provided to family of Heisman candidates)
I -- Internship with sports marketeers
J -- Justice system, waiver from
K -- Kardashian (another perk for Heisman candidates, movie included)
L -- Litigation services (confidentiality agreements our specialty)
M -- McKaying (living for free with another, wealthier teammate)
N -- NCAA payoffs and obstruction (assuring that today's misdeeds won't be sanctioned until long after your eligibility is complete)
O -- OJ (greeting players and recruits at spring practice)
P -- Police, ownership of (aka "Get out of Jail Free" card)
Q -- Quit, and get out of town, just before the NCAA sanctions come down
R -- Rey Rey "dancing", and all other forms of sexual harassment
S -- SUV (tricked out, with favorable parking spot at the practice field)
T -- Tutors (to write papers and sit for exams, freeing up valuable time for practice and extracurricular activity)
U -- United States China (philanthropical organization funding much of the above)
V -- Vice, most forms available (impregnating women's team basketballer, rooftop sex, etc.)
W -- "White Nation" Website
X -- "X", your signature on the Police Report
Y -- Yahoo, avoidance of (media interactions limited to Trogan Times and other fawning "journalists")
Z -- Zebras, purchased (with extra for UCLA, Notre Dame, or meaningful bowl game)
Oops, we forgot the most important letter, the lynchpin that made it all work for McKay and Carroll.
C -- CHEAT!