Los Angeles, CA - In a surprise move on Wednesday, UCLA's athletic department has announced plans to merge with that of USC. The UCLA Athletic Department will immediately discontinue use of those four letters and will henceforth use the new moniker of Westwood Trojan Fanbase, or WTF. The WTF will cease to field any teams in any sports and will assign all previous sports history, including honors, championships, trophies and wins, to theUSC Trojans, effective immediately.
Anonymous sources reveal that UCLA students are widely expected to embrace the change and become part of the WTF family. One such source, revealing only that he is a past president of The Den, issued this statement: "Of course the students will rally around this decision. The athletic department is always acting in our best interests."
In a move called visionary and historic, Athletic Director Dan Guerrero has accomplished what few believed possible. He has simultaneously found a solution to his funding problems, given hope to a desperate fanbase, and strengthened the UCLA brand in one fell swoop.
How has this strengthened the UCLA brand? According to Chancellor Gene Block, the answer is simple. "At UCLA, I believe that our most public facing department is, and should be, our hospital. As such, I want the UCLA brand to be synonymous with pain and suffering. Unfortunately, while well-known within the greater Los Angeles area, our hospital gets very little coverage on national television. That's where our athletic program comes in. As it has been explained to me, people outside of the Los Angeles area are exposed to the UCLA brand primarily through our athletic programs. By running these programs into the ground and ultimately selling out to our rival, Dan Guerrero has brought our message of pain and suffering to the whole nation."
The move also helps keep UCLA's record 107 NCAA national championships relevant. Stanford University has been charging forward in championships and was certain to overtake UCLA in the near future. As a result of the merger, UCLA can now take pride as a contributor to USC's new record of 200 combined NCAA championships. Cardinal and gold banners proclaiming "FIRST TO 200" are expected to be unfurled across the greater Los Angeles area this week. It is projected that Stanford will take at least four or five more years to challenge for the record again.
For the Trojans, the move has been widely regarded as a master stroke by Athletic Director E. Pat Haden. In Haden's words, "We have now perfected the art of buying championships. Other schools have always followed our lead in paying players or officials, but we have clearly raised the bar this time." On the topic of UCLA, he said, "As their old commercial states, ‘anyone can make a trophy.' Well, it also turns out that anyone can make a glorified trophy case and name it after a legendary AD. It takes a true visionary to sell that trophy case to a real athletic department. Luckily for me, Dan Guerrero is such a visionary."
UCLA will use the new cash infusion to shore up the funding needed for the current renovations being done to Pauley Pavilion. But, will the Trojans be using the facility? According to Haden, "We think that the renovations to Pauley really do bring it into the 21st Century. Not as a premier venue for collegiate athletics, mind you, but we certainly see a future for it as a practice facility or as an alternative location for our renowned ballroom dancing program."
The renovated Pauley is also being looked at as a potential camping spot for eager WTFers waiting in line for tickets to coveted Trojan events. As the WTF crowd becomes increasingly exposed to an aggressive student-focused athletic department, the Trojans expect demand among WTFers to skyrocket. Even Guerrero agrees, stating, "The Pauley campouts should be an excellent boost to morale and school spirit. We have already seen the excitement in Westwood as local businesses have raced to roll out Trojan paraphernalia."
When asked about Dan Guerrero and the bonuses due under his contract, Chancellor Block simply gushed. "It's hard to believe that we found someone who could accomplish all of this for the bargain price of $500,000 per year. We will certainly be keeping him on board through the end of his contract to ensure that he receives his full retention bonus of $750,000. After all, he is worth every cent of it. The University has been lucky to have such a man accomplish so much for so little in return."
Mr. Guerrero's "blog" echoed these sentiments. In response to numerous fan letters suggesting that his salary is "unbelievable," Guerrero replied that he is simply happy to contribute to a school that he loves. "I love UCLA, and I especially love hiring coaches for UCLA. I have made it my mission to hire as many coaches as possible. How many other Athletic Directors have the dedication and skills to hire two football coaches? I would have made it three if not for the merger!"
Last, Chancellor Block mused on the possibility of retiring the UCLA brand completely in favor of the new WTF brand. "As we are currently experiencing such wild success in our message of pain and suffering, those old four letters have become inextricably linked with the new three letters in such a way that I do believe it is inevitable. " For the time being, however, the school will simply refer to itself as WTFUCLA.