A Dan Guerrero-Inspired Lexicon

Bumped. This is brilliant. - BN Eds.

I take no pleasure in this post. Like many here, I have tuned into Bruins Nation each day with dread. What self-inflicted wound would we suffer today? Horrifically, the escalating dread has been matched by reality, a seeming march from which we cannot turn back, over the cliff.

I am numb. I am sick. I am profoundly sad. The Bruin pride that I have carried with me for forty-seven years has been methodically and systematically eroded, hacked, and bludgeoned by Dan Guerrero and his minions in the Morgan Center, with the blessings of Chancellor Gene Block. Just when I comfort myself that we've reached bottom and that things will get better again, Dan finds a new shovel to dig us in even deeper.

If not for the friends I have found here, expressing their own frustrations in ways both stark and rich, I'm pretty sure I would have gone mad. I love UCLA. Watching this spiral into mediocrity has been like having to watch helplessly while one's mother was being ravaged. I hate what Guerrero and company have done to my beautiful alma mater. I hate that they have exempted major sports from the requirement of excellence. I hate that they set up a beloved Bruin son to fail, and then, rather than holding themselves accountable, scapegoated him right out of his dream job.

I hate that they exploit the natural attractiveness of UCLA to achieve success in non-major sports and thereby rationalize no need to challenge for the top, nationally, in the major sports. I hate that, rather than using the "first to 100" honor to become even bolder and even more imaginative, they have used it to justify retreat into cozy, secluded dens of timid caution.

I know UCLA to be a jewel of diversity and excellence. That description used to apply all across the board. For far too long, though, the athletic department has been a pustulant sore of mediocrity. This kind of epic downfall should not go unrewarded. Dan Guerrero deserves to have his legacy enshrined in some way, so that his contributions will not be forgotten.

As such, I have begun compiling a Dan Guerrero-inspired lexicon. It's a way, I guess, for me to channel the anger and frustration that I feel, watching those sports at my beloved UCLA, the ones that are such a part of what it means to me to be a Bruin, being driven recklessly into neglect, disrespect, and disrepair. Please feel free to contribute your own terms to the lexicon, as well. Also, there is an opening for Gene Block-inspired terms.

Again, I take no joy in this. I would much rather be spending my time extolling praises for the splendid job the Morgan Center has done. Given the epically rotten job performance that they have inflicted on us, however, their deeds deserve to be immortalized.

To act in a careless or slip-shod manner towards an issue of importance, while rewarding oneself handsomely and indulging in irrelevant, hedonistic pleasures.

Embarking on the preplanned Chianti tour with thirty or so unknowing or purposely ignorant sycophants, UCLA's Athletic Director completed the chiantification of UCLA's once proud football program.

Dan-druff noun

A scaly scurf, figuratively, formed on and shed from an institution, caused by mischief, mismanagement, or malfeasance within the institution.

Having been abused and infected with guerrereal disease, UCLA would suffer severe outbreaks of Dan-druff for years to come.

Deafocate verb, intransitive

To act in a tone-deaf manner towards one's own allies, ignoring their wishes and interests, and yielding a result that is equivalent to, either figuratively or literally, the voiding of one's feces on the allies' dining room table.

The Mora hire was seen by many as a giant, in-your-face deafocation to UCLA's many supporters.

Doughnutz slang adjective

Fiscally irresponsible in the extreme, spending wastefully when clearly better alternatives for the same or similar price is available.

In hiring Jim Mora, while not giving a sniff to Mike Leach, Dan Mullen, Larry Fedora, and any number of better qualified candidates, UCLA's Athletic Director and Chancellor were just plain doughnutz.

Guerrereal adjective

A sustained or permanent social disorder or disease inflicted upon an institution, often perpetuated by inbred staffing and failure to consider new ideas or opinions of others.

The Morgan Center's actions of the past decade, or more, has fans wondering if their school will ever be cured of its guerrereal disease.

Guerrella noun, adjective

A member of a departmental unit, operating in small bands in one's own territory to harass and undermine one's own allies, as by secrecy and surprise raids.

Operating strictly in obstinate seclusion, UCLA's search for a football head coach was a textbook example of guerrella warfare waged against its own fans.

Guerreropath noun

One who is affected with a personality disorder marked by aggressive, antisocial behavior towards his or her own family.

Many long-time supporters of UCLA, including the venerable and esteemed Class of 66, Fox 71, Mexibruin, Nestor, gbruin, Tydides, tasser10, Patroclus, Meriones, Achilles, Ryan Rosenblatt, Bellerophon, DCBruin, Odysseus, tazmiami, Seth Chandler, and many, many others, were so fed-up with the guerreropathic actions of the Morgan Center that they ceased supporting their beloved alma mater until the entire, hopelessly inept staff is replaced.

[Begging your pardon for omitting many front-pagers and commenters]

Nom de guerrero noun

A fictitious name, a pseudonym, often innocent-sounding, but meant to reflect profound disdain or revulsion for a person and that person's actions.

During his tenure, UCLA's Athletic Director was known by several noms de guerrero, including Doughnut Dan and Chianti Dan.


Tuerrorize verb, transitive

To fill a populace with dread and fear that one will choose the worst possible moment to do the absolute worst thing possible, because one's previous actions and decisions have been so consistently abysmal.

The Athletic Director had so tuerrorized the school's fans, that many were desparate enough to accept has-been, never-was, and retread candidates for the HC position, simply because there were even worse candidates out there.