The following was just released by the UCLA Athletic Dept:

"I have completed a thorough and unprecedented coaching search for our football head coach opening.

"I flew out to Coach Petersen and told him, 'You can come to a high-cost community and recruit against two cheats trained by Pete Carroll.' He did not turn me down (though his look was incredulous).

"I flew out to Coach Sumlin and praised him for his non-dominating performances against us and extolled the Bruin community's non-endorsement of his candidacy. But since I heard he would was going to snub me for College Station, I didn't formally offer him the job.

"I contacted Coach Golden and told him he was once again my third choice and offered him the opportunity to break his word with his employer. For some reason he did not jump at the chance.

"I contacted Pepper Rodgers, who lost one less consecutive game to SC than our current coach, while never achieving a single touchdown pass against Troy. I think he is hard of hearing because he didn't immediately accept.

"I contacted the key play-caller for the probationaries across town, Knox Kiffin, but I couldn't understand his Baby Trogan response. it was either yes, no, or cheat on.

"In order to conserve the carbon footprint of our university, I am suspending all plane flights and hereby announcing the new contract for $4,000,000 with Rick Neuheisel, who can spend $3,000,000 on assistant coaches I impose. This will ensure a short learning curve and a continuation of the tradition I've built at our alma mater."

Dan Guerrero