Trogan-to-English: USC's Declaration of Independence

IN JAIL, July 4, 2011.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united sanctioned Trogans,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one football factory to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with a conference of academic institutions, and to assume above the powers of the earth, the superior and elitist station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent rationalization to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the excuses which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal (but some are more equal than others), that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Housing, Cars and the pursuit of Sex Objects.--That to secure these rights, Compliance Offices are instituted among Men, deriving their scanty powers from the consent of the alumni, --That whenever any Form of Government like the NCAA becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Trogans to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government (or none at all), laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. These include owning the police, pre-approved A's in Spanish, tutors to write all papers, and marketeers to provide the essentials of life.  Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, only for major causes, namely pigskin;. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism (that is, to make us follow the same rules as everyone else), it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.  Such guards to include Todd McNair's dogs and OJ Simpson's posse.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Trogans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of NCAA is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

1.  He has refused to let us off with a warning.

2.  He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of forcing them into answering questions about their true misbehavior.

3.  He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to self-punishment of the basketball squad in lieu of any football penalties.

4.  He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance, to investigate Bush, McKnight, Leinart, Rey Rey, Sra. Ross, McNair, Carroll, Lane, Ogre, and countless other miscreants.

5.  He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation, viz, national regulations who all except ourselves accept as necessary and reasonable.

6.  For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States: (never mind, OJ says not to mention this one!)

7.  For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments, by insisting upon classroom attendance and no special benefits

8.  He is at this time transporting large Armies of NCAA Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms, following up repeated coverups and stonewalling with purposeless motions and farcical appeals.  Our repeated Petitions for no loss of scholarships and retention of ill-gotten titles and Heismans have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a Trogan people.

We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us, for example by threatening to go independent or by leaking the possibility of frivolous lawsuits.

We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them (boy, have we ever conjured them!) by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence (of immorality, scholastic indifference, and crime)

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States China, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the donors for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the superior Trogans of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these Spoiled Children are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, the Los Angeles Times, and hush money from our alumni, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives (scandalously lived), our Fortunes (improperly received) and our sacred Honor (heh heh).