Breaking news: After reading about the birth of 16-pound, 1-ounce, 2-foot-long JaMichael Brown, Lane Kiffin hastily arranged a news conference to announce his intention to get an early verbal from Brown. "I'm getting on a plane to Texas as fast as I can. You can never start soon enough for the class of 2029," said Kiffin. "And since the NCAA doesn't consider a player a 'prospective student-athlete' until he enters ninth grade, I can pretty much do whatever I want to recruit this [not-so] little rug-rat!" Upon hearing that Jamichael’s father, Michael Brown, told local CNN affiliate KLTV he sees football in his son’s future, an ebullient Kiffin replied, "Great news. I wonder what kind of house JaMichael's parents would like to live in."

Having already signed a 13-year old last year, Kiffin acknowledged his strategy for early signers to $uc's football operations. "Yeah, me and Pat discussed this at length following the unfair NCAA sanctions that were handed down. We figured the best way to get around those pesky NCAA rules is to completely bypass them. In fact, after my Texas visit, I'm on my way to Indonesia." Kiffin is referring to a 19.2 pound baby born there in late 2009. "Damn, I'm getting a late start on that one," groused Kiffin, "but I've got to fill an open slot for the 2027 class."

No comments yet from the AD as phone calls to Ethical Pat have not been returned.

Here's how $uc's 2027 class is shaping up:

Note: This is satire. Best wishes for the health and future of both these babies.