Garlic Joe's Weekly Digest
by tasser10 on Sep 20, 2011 3:03 PM PDT
in Garlic Joe
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PrintI would like to introduce you to the newest frontpage contributor to Bruins Nation, Garlic Joe.
Garlic Joe is a savvy reporter/blogger who will get to the bottom of some of the most pressing issues in UCLA Athletics.
About once a week, or less often if he's a lazy bum, Garlic Joe will write up a story and share it with his Bruin compatriots. Seeing as he's too lazy to create his own ID, I will let him use mine, and hopefully there will not be a mob outside my house with torches and pitchforks.
We hope that you will enjoy his thoroughly researched and deeply insightful posts.
The thing is, however, none of it will be true. At least factually. Garlic Joe lives in his own world, where conspiracy theories and sarcasm abound. After all, famed philosopher, marine biologist and architect George Costanza said, "it's not a lie, if you believe it". So, it's not as though we take him seriously, it's just that we think his posts will offer some comic relief...while pointing out some of the absurdity around UCLA Athletics.
Because, let's face it, if the university doesn't take our athletic department seriously, why should he? After the recent football debacle, Garlic Joe decided to come out of hiding and shout his truth to the world.
Why Garlic Joe? Because right now, being a UCLA football fan stinks.
Here's to Garlic Joe returning back underground. For now, enjoy the madness.
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Awesome
this is exactly what I (we?) need. Until our FB performance improves, I’m all for satire!
I love conspiracy theories.
The idea that Norm Chow was an SC plant has legs. The idea that Neuheisel is an SC plant, now that’s thinking outside the box.
The best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother. John Wooden
Another Conspiracy Theory
I think the problems with our football program can be traced to one thing- our horrible uniforms! In CRN’s second year, before we went to the epic fail techfit or whatever look, it seemed like we were making progress, 7-6 with a bowl win.
Then at the Oregon game, we had the auspicious debut of our new “high tech uniforms”…and got horribly pummeled. Terrible, terrible damage. It has never been the same since.
Why can’t we tackle? It must be the tight fitting uniforms cutting off circulation to our players and constraining their muscles. The piss colored pants are probably doing damage to their thighs and hamstrings.
As for the UCLA “stripes” on the new uniforms? I think the angry ghost of Red Sanders has hexed the team for the bastardization of his timeless design to our uniforms. Morale is low? If I had to strut around the field with my prominent belly being accentuated by this “techfit” uniform, I’d be pretty sad too.
Our football program’s current state of epic failure is ultimately tied to this wardrobe malfunction, I swear.
Garlic is also known as...
“The Stinking Rose”.
Lots of fowl smells coming from the ROSE bowl Lately.
Come on guys, we've been hearing it for years
I’m telling you: IT’S THOSE ADIDAS SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reading a book
about Josef Stalin. He had lots of imaginary conspiracy theories, too. Unfortunately lots of people were killed as a result of them, too (it’s great to be in charge). Hopefully, these will be of the harmless variety…
(ok, I was a history major)
One is real
One is imaginary. I’ll let you decide which.
But hey, what do I know. I’m just the 800 lbs bruin in the room.
Conspiracy theory
Scheduling a game anywhere near a hurricane state makes the Pacific Ocean angry that we aren’t thankful for her wonderful pacific qualities, which results in a curse that ruins the season.
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