Mediocre? Did you say the football uniforms are mediocre?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to report that the UCLA Football uniforms are hardly mediocre. By the end of this article, you might just think of them as highly "ocre." No prefix required!
How can this be? Weren't we just lamenting these uniforms? Is the Morgan Center being old fashioned, conservative, and flat out boring? If you answered "YES" congratulations! You are correct!
Is Adidas being cheap, non-innovative, and did they fail fashion school, along with basic sewing? Of course! But why waste time and money on a school with a national name, large alumni base, and a shiny new TV contract on silly things like uniforms? They have better things to worry about, like making shoes that no one wants to wear.
My fellow Bruins, I will now reveal to you, and to you only, just why our Adidas uniforms aren't that shabby (practically shabby chic!) in a secret document I pilfered during my secret espionage mission (oops, not a secret anymore) when I found out when three influential alumni were dining and discussing what color to repaint their offices. (A nice, conservative ecru was the final choice.)
REASON NUMBER 1:
Adidas spent good money on this commercial.
The new adidas TECHFIT UCLA football jersey (via adidasFootballUS)
We had to pay SCALE for this actor. SCALE. That was a big budget stretch.
REASON NUMBER 2:
Everyone remembers the Freshman Fifteen. If you were one of those people who didn't gain a single pound in college, well, I hate you. Football players are not immune to the freshman fifteen, although they usually gain nice, dense muscle mass.
With these new uniforms, we don't have to go BUY new uniforms. Or make them fit properly! What a waste! The uniforms will just stretch to the players new size! We even saved more money by hiring one less equipment manager.
They might get a bit tight around the middle but that's just an incentive to the player! You want to get fit! No beer guts allowed at the Rose Bowl! Only exceptions are allowed for linemen. They can be big around the middle as they try to create a hole for our running backs to run through for a two yard gain.
REASON NUMBER 3:
Show off your arms, boys!
Do you notice the nice short sleeves? They were designed this way, with total disregard to the pads that would make the sleeves even shorter when you put them on. Why?
Football players spend so many hours in the gym, working out, pumping iron, getting strong. You want to show off every last inch of that work, and these sleeves were designed specifically with that in mind.
Also, nothing is manlier than flashing some armpit to the national TV audience when you go up and reach for a ball that is thrown over your head. Basketball players do it the entire game, we're letting football join in on the fun.
We didn't reveal the hidden aspect of our uniforms: easily converted into basketball jerseys! Tight, so the boys don't forget to tuck them in, and already practically sleeveless! Another cost saving measure! Forget short shorts, we are thinking tight spandex shorts for basketball season. We've already got a design in mind where the stripes down the sides of the shorts only go halfway - definitely saves on printing costs.
REASON NUMBER 4:
Creating a talking point
Everyone remembers the scene in Tommy Boy, where Chris Farley is dancing around in David Spade's coat, singing "Big man.... little coat...."
We've recreated that idea with these uniforms with our microscopic text for last names. Al Cid is 6'3", 330. He fits the definition of Big Man, Little Name, Tiny Print on Uniform. Everyone can discuss this strange juxtaposition. We want to create a conversation, where all you hear is "UCLA UCLA UCLA." Just ignore anything mean.
REASON NUMBER 5:
Create a frenzy, then introduce something so wild, they'll love it.
So by now, we expect a few complaints. Not everyone will love everything. We budget at least 0.10% every year to deal with customer complaints, which we route offshore.
Everyone loves to go "retro." UCLA went retro with their uniforms in 2009 and once the initial fury dies down, we will release a full retro uniform for the team to wear in 2012. The team will love it. They might jump up and down like Ohio did when they saw their alternate black uniforms (What a waste of money! A THIRD uniform? TSK!)
Now, you may wonder what the new uniforms will look like. We even designed new helmets. They'll be just like this. You MUST click the link for the full effect.
The money will come in in droves. Enjoy. Don't use it on quality coaches, better equipment, or facilities. Give yourself a raise!
This was a work of satire, out of my not so fashion conscious, but at least look presentable at all times mind. COME ON, Morgan Center and Adidas, get your act together.