For an experienced Trogan-to-English translator, it gets rather boring to have the only Trogan quotes come from the easy marks of Lane Kiffin and Matt Barkley. But what if Lane and Pat actually allowed Lane's father, SC's defensive coaching genius, to be interviewed? I'd wager we'd get something like the following:

SC gave up 730 yards to Oregon, the most since Trogan history started in 1888. How do you feel about this accomplishment?

Records are made to be broken.

SC gave up 62 points to Oregon, the most in Trogan history. How do you feel about this?

Records are made to be broken.

Oregon's halfback ran for 321 yards against you, another record.

Our defense was focusing on the quarterback.

Oregon's redshirt freshman quarterback got 400 all-purpose yards against you.

Our defense was focusing on the halfback.

You accomplished all of this at the Mausoleum.

Yes, our home field advantage kept things from being even worse.

How helpful to your defense was the Trogan offense?

They didn't help at all. They scored too quickly on a 75-yard pass, a 76-yard pass, and after an 82-yard kick return, so that kept us on the field a lot. Also our Heisman quarterback threw two interceptions, which put us back on the field again. The key to our defense is to sit on the sidelines.

The longer you coach the Trogan defense, the worse it gets.

Imagine how we'd do if the team didn't have any offense and we had to play defense all the time. In fact, that's what next year will be like!

You were hired because of your NFL experience.

No, I was hired because my lame son is the head coach and no one else would work for him.

SC's combination of offense and defense leads the nation in penalties.

We're Number 1! Lane became an expert on penalties running the Raiders.

Last week you were edged at Arizona and would have won except for a taunting call on T.J. McDonald that kept alive a touchdown drive for the Wildcats.

Yes, the statistics hounds like to point out how many penalties we have, but the true measure is the stupidity and unnecessaryness of the actions.

And the Stanford quarterback you lost to has been replaced.

So what? We can lose to anyone. Remember Cheat Pete losing to 41-point underdog Stanford, with a quarterback who'd only completed one college pass?

How can you improve next week?

Play Colorado again?

Hopefully we'll talk to you again at the Chick-Fil-A Bowl.

Yeah, that would be great. If we're still eligible then.