The following message was recorded at Heritage Hall today:
"As you all know, academics is of little interest at our institution. It was that way when I played and remains just as true under my administration. Similarly, Nobel Prizes, community service, world-class research -- that's stuff we leave to Westwood. What matters, far above and beyond anything else in the history of Troy, is one particular sport.
"We all recognize that this key sport was a supreme disappointment this season. We were the consensus number one rated squad in the country, with the top rated player in the country. And then we were beaten by scholastic opponents and traditional nonwinners for a .500 conference record. Clearly this is unacceptable.
"So in order to re-instill a climate of excellence, I have determined it is time to fire the BASKETBALL coach. Not that he had anything to do with this disappointment, in fact none of the student body even know where he plays his games. But he tried hard to follow the NCAA rules and to maintain an ethical program, and those are luxuries we cannot afford in my department. It sets a very bad example for our football coach, who is doing his best to lie, cheat, and steal and win games -- what we call the Trogan way. So the basketball coach is expendable, and gone.
"We look forward to a better season with our proven rulebreaking football coach, especially since his old man left to "pursue other opportunities.' Yeah, right, the NFL is just full of teams who want to hire someone the age of their players' grandpa who managed to give up the most yards to an opponent in a hundred years.
"See you around. But not in the library."
Pat Haden, Ethicist-in-Chief