FanPost

Chiantiku

Bumped. Enjoy. - BN Eds.

Well, this didn't start out as a multi-part series, but with the inspired creation of a whole new branch of literary verse (Chiantiku) by JoeBruin15, I've been encouraged to forego any shame, and so I hereby continue to torture the elegant art of Haiku with this sequel to Howku (Howland Haiku). If Hollywood can do sequels, why can't I?

Besides, in the efforts to restore UCLA athletics to a proper and deserved state of health and integrity, every little bit helps, right? But, even if not, there is always the welcome relief of earned and targeted ridicule. With these thoughts in mind, I present the second installment of "BNkus" (pron. "B-N koos")--Chiantiku. Next up: Blocku.

Please consider this an open thread. As you did with Howku, and as Joe did in inventing them, post your own Chiantikus. The agile minds on BN always make for interesting reading, and I know that many will enjoy some good old-fashioned Doughnut roasting. Anyway, the more sardonic 5-7-5 barbs that are cast his way, the less embarrassed I'll have to feel about trashing Haiku.

To seem virtuous,
Say, "John R. Wooden" often.
Smile, and look pious.

Beam authority.
Never ask questions, per se.
Best to sit quiet.

When you have questions,
Begin them with, "F-Y-I,"
So you look in charge.

Take credit when there,
If you don't, someone else will.
Get in front of praise.

To answer critics,
Paint them all as demanding.
Ask them, "What's wrong with..."

To find a new coach,
Don't work too hard to persuade.
Let them come to you.

To appear daring,
When you need to hire a coach,
Pay him through the nose.

To appear frugal,
Trade on UCLA's name.
Pay cents on the buck.

To appear with-it,
Hire teenagers, and have them
Put your face online.

To appear engaged,
Give them some Words from Westwood.
One question per week.

Know who your boss is.
Flatter him at ev'ry chance,
Plant lips on his ass.

Know who's not your boss.
Students are your least concern.
They don't pay your wage.

Spaulding's just a name.
Eighty yards is quite enough.
Can't stretch postage stamps.

But, find room, somehow,
For upper-crust constructions,
That students can't use.

To seem not a pig,
Stash the glazed and jelly-filled.
Wipe crumbs from your mouth.

<em>This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of BruinsNation's (BN) editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of BN's editors.</em>

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