Trogan-to-English: Let's All Celebrate $C's End to Probation

Harry How

Bumped. Always helpful to get a handle on all the Trogan propaganda cycled through the local and national media. - BN Eds.

The Trogan, er Los Angeles, Times actually ran for two consecutive days multiple articles praising Troy for the end of its NCAA football probation. There were many quotes, from Carroll, Garrett, Haden, Nicias, all of them lies. The only one who didn't lie was Reggie Bush, who simply gave a "No comment." Due to the large number of quotes to translate, and the fact that my physician said doing too many would be hazardous to my mental health, instead of the normal approach (quote a Trogran, then translate a Trogan), this time we simply gave truth serum to the parties and here is what came out:

A. Pete Carroll: "Of course I knew we had cheating going on. How else would we have recruited and retained our players? Bush and McKnight, those were just the ones the media caught us at, and which the Times eventually decided to write a bit about. Of course I got out of town before sanctions hit; do you think I'd wait until afterwards? Make sure to buy my book, where you can learn how to lose at home to a 41 point underdog from the guy who did it."

B. Mike Garrett: "Of course we cheated. That's how we did it when I played and we have a sordid tradition to uphold. You dummies should realize that Pete Carroll is just a piker when it comes to cheating compared to my coach, John McKay. They say I was arrogant and dismissive of the NCAA, well what do you expect when you've spent most of your life at the University of Spoiled Children?"

C. Pat Haden: "I love the way the Times says that since I took over that SC is a model for NCAA compliance. They seem to forget that I learned to cheat from the master, John McKay, even living with him in violation of NCAA rules. They also seem to think that now we are somehow enrolling real students into the football program. That never works and you won't see that on my watch."

D. C. Max Nicias: "I am the leader of the university, and therefore my only priority is football. Not academics, not research, no community service, none of that foolishness. No, at USC we only care about football, which is why when I was made the new school president, my very first letter dealt only with football. Cheat on!"

E. Reggie Bush: "My family got a nice house. We got other stuff too, but the house alone makes me the all-time leader in receiving unlawfulbenefits in the NCAA. Take that, OJ! I illegally pushed my quarterback into the end zone to assure an illegal championship. I got into a Khardashian. Surely you wouldn't have expected me to go to class and study too?"

F. Lane Kiffin: "The Times didn't interview me but I would've lied like the other guys. I learned to cheat from Pete Carroll but raised cheating to an art from at Tennessee and SC. Now I'm at another 'academic institution' where scholarship isn't part of the program. Best of luck to my former cheating colleague, Steve Sarkisian."

G. O. J. Simpson: "They didn't interview me either. But I would have told the truth for a change. Yes, I did kill Nicole and Ron. If you do a Google search on "the face of USC", it's always me that comes up. I am glad that such a disreputable school has me for its public symbol."

I don't expect the Times or other media to print any of this, but at Bruins Nation we print the truth.

<em>This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of BruinsNation's (BN) editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of BN's editors.</em>

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