Bumped. Another great piece from Bruinut - BN Eds.
As readers of Bruins Nation know, Coach Wooden's priceless Pyramid of Success has been exploited and personalized by some. Steve Lavin and Ben Howland did it, as did the $coundrels across town.
Well, it seems that Steve Alford, too, has a version. Apparently, Alford's personal version was found in the inside pocket of one of his Armani suits by an alert dry cleaner.
We're guessing that the rather unattractive purple color of the pyramid is what you get when you mix UCLA Blue with Indiana red. It is interesting to note that three of the blocks in Alford's pyramid, "Look Good," "Drop Names," and "Admit Nothing" ("Blame Others"), are shared with Steve Lavin's pyramid.
Steve Alford's Pyramid of Success
*** PRIVATE! FOR MY EYES ONLY!! ***
NOTE TO SELF:
Some guy who used to coach here had a nice gimmick. He called it the Pyramid of Success. Cornball stuff, really. He used to share it with people who needed it. I have taken his concept and improved on it. My pyramid won't be shared, however, because there is only one person who could possibly live up to it--you, baby!
Find the Right AD
This is THE crucial cornerstone, definitely the most important block in the pyramid. It is also the most difficult to achieve. Without finding the right AD, the pyramid crumbles, and none of the success depicted herein happens. There aren't many ADs like this, but if you are lucky enough to find one, it is gold!!
Find an AD who is given a blank check to run a preeminent program that his boss doesn't care about one whit. Find an AD who is too lazy to research your past. Find an AD to whom so-called "character" issues don't matter. Have him say to the world: "Steve embodies everything we are looking for in a head coach. He’s passionate, dedicated, experienced and enthusiastic." Have him say that you are the perfect fit.
Find an AD who has heard of you and knows that you were an all-star, will pat himself on the back for that, and will be convinced by your past glories that you are an elite coach and that you are worth an obscenely large salary. Again, find an AD who is vain and lazy.
If you have found such an AD, you're almost there. Now that you have established yourself as a elite coach, exploit the fear in the AD that you might leave his program (like you left the last one) by agreeing to an obscenely large buy-out provision. Get him or his puppet spokesman to say that "We didn't want him going anywhere." Note, too, that this buy-out ploy will appeal to a lazy AD, convincing him that he won't have to work hard for several years to come. And, crucially, it protects you, when the university community discovers that you are not worthy of being their coach.
Contracts Are Only Paper
When it comes to contracts, there is no need to keep your word. Backing out of contracts is a positive measure of your business savvy, not a negative measure of your character. You will appreciate this wisdom should something better comes along.
Embrace Nepotism
Favoritism shows that you're a family man. Use your son for surrogate ego fulfillment, and install him as a critical player for the next four years. Nevermind what the team needs. Nevermind the effect it has on team chemistry and morale. Nevermind the effect it has on recruiting.
Be Oblivious
Ignore any protests over your hiring, no matter the source. They can't hold you responsible if you don't know what they're talking about. The past is the past. Move forward.
Your Life, Your Rules
People want to trip you up, to bring you down. Don't let them. Avoid society's bogus rules--rules like responsibility, candor, honesty, ethics, principles. Character is overrated. These rules are not for you. When you need to point out the shortcomings of a kid, do it firmly and without delay.
Admit Nothing
Never apologize. If you never apologize, you are never wrong. Blame others. Berate those who speak against you, even if they have recently undergone quintuple heart bypass surgery. Blame them for turning Iowa fans against you.
Drop Names
Mention names of beloved individuals as often as possible. Bask in the reflected light of other people's haloes. This places you on their level. Worship past mentors, even if they hated an aforementioned beloved individual.
Look Good
Remember, it's all about looking good. Image over substance, always. Wear expensive suits, shirts, and shoes. Have perfect hair. Have multiple expensive cars.
Fake Empathy
Narcissists don't waste valuable energy empathizing, so why should you? To quote George Burns, "Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made." To learn when you've crossed one of society's silly lines, it's most efficient to wait for a backlash. Then, use PR wordsmiths to prepare an apology. They're good at that; that's what they do. Let them deal with whatever the issue is, while you deal with something more important--yourself.
Self!!!
Always remember: You are what's most important. You are the pinnacle of the pyramid. Some will see this quality as intense self-love, or you as callow. Let them. You know that you're being self-assured and confident. Put self-interest over conflicting interests, such as criminal acts and victims' suffering. Enlist religious groups to coax crime victims into submission, so as to keep players charged with a crime on the team. Don't tell players on the team that you just abandoned about your leaving them. Let them find out on the Internet. Keep to yourself. Don't try to communicate with others. They won't understand, anyway.