DISCLAIMER

Editor's Note:  Dear Readers, Garlic Joe recently came back to work after having to walk home from Tucson when the team bus left without him.  It's a long way with little legs.

It has been a whirlwind month for UCLA football.  Coming back from the depths of an embarrassing beatdown at the hands of the lowly Arizona Wildcats, UCLA had to look deep inside to find its soul.  And so they did, beating their next two opponents at the Rose Bowl to sit atop the South Division.

Those weren't the Santa Ana winds, it was the sigh of relief coming out of Dan Guerrero, UCLA's Athletic Director.

After fielding thousands of emails and calls from dissatisfied fans, Guerrero can finally take a break and breathe again, especially after announcing that the first step of his football strategy was being implemented with a game in Cowboy Stadium.

So, what better time to celebrate his birthday with fans of the best university in the world?

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DISCLAIMER

In light of the recent firing of Arizona football head coach Mike Stoops after a 1-5 start, Garlic Joe sat down with UCLA Athletic Director Dan Guerrero to discuss the intricacies of hiring and firing head coaches in the ever more competitive college sports landscape.  Below is a transcript of the interview.

Garlic Joe:  Mr. Guerrero, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me, I am sure you have a busy schedule.

Dan Guerrero:  My pleasure Joe, although you will have to buy our Administrative Assistant Pat a gift since I can’t attend the birthday party in the office cafeteria right now. Say…what’s that smell?

GJ:  I don’t smell anything.  Anyway, I am sure you are aware of the firing of Mike Stoops.  What are your thoughts on that?

DG:  It’s an unfortunate situation. It seemed like Mike was doing a lot of good things out in Tucson, but clearly college football has become an ultra-competitive landscape.

GJ:  Well, he did start the season 1-5 and had a 10 game losing streak.  Were you referring to recruiting?

DG:  Oh I don’t know anything about that.  It just seemed like he was about to turn the corner.   I hate corners.  I used to stand in them a lot when I was a kid.

GJ:  But their next game is against UCLA.  Did you think they would beat UCLA and turn their season around?

DG:  Is that this weekend?  I think I have a golf game with Albert [Carnesale].

GJ:  No, next Thursday.  Isn’t Gene Block Chancellor now? Never mind.  I think what I’d like to touch on is your decision process when it comes to making head coaching changes.

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DISCLAIMER

UCLA Football fans today were treated to an uplifting email from UCLA Athletics.

Entitled "UCLA Gets Pac-12 Win", the email shows that the athletic department at UCLA intends to take full advantage of the momentous occasion, namely an undefeated Pac-12 record and a spot at the top of the South Division.

"It has been a while since our program has been in this position," noted Athletic Director Dan Guerrero, who eagerly requested a press release to be sent out and updated his list of achievements accordingly.

The Bruins defeated perennial power Oregon State in Corvallis, despite facing a fearsome redshirt freshman Quarterback and fearless walk-ons.  As expected, the game was a grind-it-out affair, with the outcome in doubt until the waning minutes of the fourth quarter.

"Playing with these Beavers is always a messy affair," said Head Coach Rick Neuheisel. "We worked hard to come out on top."

As an added benefit to the victory, it seems that the team was able to find its identity, running the ball 47 times and passing only 12 times.  More impressively, UCLA was able to overcome the intimidating Beavers while using only a few of their players and a playbook printed on a 3x5 index card.  At the bequest of the Athletic Department, the Special Teams unit did not make the trip to Oregon in order to keep costs down.

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DISCLAIMER

The saga of the uniform for the UCLA Bruins football team continues. 

Adidas originally unveiled its UCLA techfit jersey last year, as the team was preparing to take on Oregon.  The rollout occurred with great fanfare as the company sought Shakespearean actors to promote the new look.  The touted benefits of the jersey were its trendy look, the breathable material, as well as the tightness and stretchability of the jersey. 

During the game, the benefits of the new jerseys were immediately evident, as the UCLA offense had plenty of time to breathe and stretch on the sidelines.

The techfit was actually a brainchild of Head Athletic Performance Coach Mike Linn, who partnered up with the renowned fitness consulting company Hans & Franz LLC to capture the essence of their vision for a new uniform.

"We were looking for a way to motivate our guys to get into football shape," said Linn.  "What better way to do that than to show them what they look like on TV."

With the looming launch of the snug techfit jerseys, linemen were not the only ones to get on board with the fitness program, as clearly no one would be spared.

Despite the successful launch, many were still unsatisfied with both the look and purported benefits of the techfit jersey, even generating some snarky comments from extremist fan blogs.  Surprisingly, the uniforms worn by the defense against Houston and Texas generated few comments.

Lest it be called stubborn and out of touch, Adidas went back to the lab in a furious attempt to satisfy Isaac Mizrahi and the Bruin fan base.  After all, if they could achieve such success with the Notre Dame and Michigan throwback jerseys, surely they could find a way to satisfy fashion-conscious Angelinos.

The answer came from the most unlikely of places.

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DISCLAIMER

WESTWOOD - September 21, 2011.  As the game clock wound down to zero, Dan Guerrero had an epiphany.  It was the sort of idea that propels someone to the stratospheres of imagination and renders a person completely oblivious to his surroundings.  And it may change the destiny of a program forever while shaking the foundations of college football.

UCLA had just been defeated at the Rose Bowl by an inspired but young Texas team.  After a subpar performance the previous week against a less than intimidating San Jose State team, UCLA opened the game on a high note, only to fall quickly into the black hole of football, or what Shane Falco refers to as "quicksand".  The Bruins never recovered and lost the game 49-20, leaving all 14 of the remaining UCLA fans despondent.

But it didn't matter.  The idea struck Guerrero like a UCLA linebacker from the ‘80s.  Since his arrival, he had tried to bring UCLA to the forefront of college football.  He first fired Bob Toledo after discipline issues, then Karl Dorrell after a string of mediocrity, to finally hire prodigal son Rick Neuheisel.  Nirvana still seemed a distant dream.  With tectonic shifts in the landscape and rising teams in the conference, Guerrero knew that he had to act fast and make a splash.

And a splash he made. 

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I would like to introduce you to the newest frontpage contributor to Bruins Nation, Garlic Joe.

Garlic Joe is a savvy reporter/blogger who will get to the bottom of some of the most pressing issues in UCLA Athletics.  

About once a week, or less often if he's a lazy bum, Garlic Joe will write up a story and share it with his Bruin compatriots.  Seeing as he's too lazy to create his own ID, I will let him use mine, and hopefully there will not be a mob outside my house with torches and pitchforks.

We hope that you will enjoy his thoroughly researched and deeply insightful posts.

The thing is, however, none of it will be true.  At least factually.  Garlic Joe lives in his own world, where conspiracy theories and sarcasm abound.  After all, famed philosopher, marine biologist and architect George Costanza said, "it's not a lie, if you believe it".  So, it's not as though we take him seriously, it's just that we think his posts will offer some comic relief...while pointing out some of the absurdity around UCLA Athletics.

Because, let's face it, if the university doesn't take our athletic department seriously, why should he?  After the recent football debacle, Garlic Joe decided to come out of hiding and shout his truth to the world.

Why Garlic Joe?  Because right now, being a UCLA football fan stinks.

Here's to Garlic Joe returning back underground.  For now, enjoy the madness.