Pardon Our IMs (Part II): Longhorns and Gators on UCLA-$C

by Guest Blogger on Nov 30, 2006 10:31 AM PST

And here is Part 2 of Peter (Burnt Orange Nation) and Orson's (Every Day Should Be Saturday) IMs on UCLA v. Southern Cal (Part I below this post). In this segement Peter and Orson meticulously break down this weekend's huge game by going over all crucial "factors" germane to this matchup. I am going to withhold my impression on ... uhm .. the "Juggler." I have no comment on that dude (again make sure to click on "Read More" to get the full "analysis"! GO BRUINS. - N

Peter: Factor it up, when ready

OS: Factor one: famous alums.

OS: USC.

Peter: Doesn't OJ just end USC completely in this category?

OS: No, there's more.

OS:Joe Francis of "Girls Gone Wild."

Peter: Kareem was in "Fletch," which pretty much puts this in as a "lock" for UCLA, in my book.

OS: Counter: Jerry Buss.

Peter: Counter: Bill Walton. The ultimate, grand wizard of hyperbole, which you HAVE to love.

Have to.

OS: I have the winner for UCLA, though:

OS: Rudi Bakhtiar, CNN hottie.

(Rudi Image via BN Ed.)

Peter: Yes, please!

OS: Advantage, UCLA.

Peter: So long as Leinart hasn't bagged her yet.

OS: Wait...he just did.

OS: But Mayim Bialik is a Bruin, too, and without Blossom I'd have never seen a truly atrocious hat. So there.

Peter: Done.

OS: Factor two: mascot.

Peter: Hmmm... homoerotic warrior or kind of soft-looking bear?

OS: It'd be a long fight, I think.

Peter: They might just cuddle.

OS: Agreed.

OS: Mascots cuddle, discuss fears of intimacy.

OS:That's a push.

Peter:Draw.

OS: Factor three: perceived hotness.

Peter: There's a blog dedicated to shirtless USC men. I've seen no such dedication to UCLA.

OS: Well, that's actually scoring points for the Trojans, then.

OS: We have to include the female readers.

Peter: I was saying as much.

Peter: I think that's advantage USC

OS: True, now that Rudi's graduated.

Peter: Plus, Pete Carroll purportedly is great at making out.

OS: He is a heckuva recruiter.

OS: Wait!

OS: And I always thought that humanitarians were... I dunno... like, sexy. Kinda like doctors.

OS: UCLA wins. Automatically.

OS: I bring you USC alum...Randy Johnson.

OS:

Peter:That's the nuclear option.

Peter: No more discussion, really.

OS: Unless Mark Eaton or Willie McGee graduated from UCLA, we have a reversal on review.

Peter: Wait. Where did Sam Cassell go to school?

OS:You're softballing me here, right?

OS: Florida State University.

Peter: swing away

OS: (glee.)

Peter: you're welcome.

OS: Two more to go:

OS:Prestige.

OS: (football prestige, natch.)

Peter: Among homeless African children or here in the States?

OS: You say football, African children say 'Ronaldinho."

OS: They're eliminated from the process.

Peter: point taken.

OS: Must go with USC, since we reach in the UCLA heritage bag and pull out musty old Freddie Mitchell buttons.

Peter: Let's just call it for USC before someone starts bring up stupid stuff like Heisman trophies.

OS: Agreed--though we're missing an OJ reference there.

OS: Which I just made!

Peter: We should have gone to UCLA.

OS: Why would we have done that?

Peter: Have you read Bruins Nation? Endless OJ jokes! Seriously, it must be a lot of fun.

Peter: You can play the OJ card all the time. To settle any debate.

Peter: It's like kryptonite.

OS: Hey, well, we've got George Lucas...

OS: OJ.

OS: "Hey, well, our girls are hotter..."

Peter: O... Hmmm... Oh, yeah. J!

OS: We won the national title!

Peter: You killed your wife!~

OS: It stabs them to the core.

Peter: We have to use redneck jokes on our rivals. I'd prefer a double-homicide from their superstar.

OS: Oh, imagine if Drew Weatherford offed his girlfriend and someone else.

OS: We might just close down the site.

Peter: There'd be no need for EDSBS anymore.

Peter: Sadly.

OS: Actually, Drew would likely attempt a stab, which would be intercepted by Reggie Nelson.

Peter: For Gator fans - every day WOULD be Saturday. Forever.

OS: Okay, final factor.

OS: The 'X' factor. The 'X" stands for "Xactly anything you care to bring into the debate."

Peter: ok, X factor - non-OJ category

OS: Yes...that's Nestor's job.

Peter: Trojans are 0-1 in the Rose Bowl in 2006.

OS: Correctly guessed you'd bring that up. To what team?

Peter: They lost to Vince Young's tree trunk. Also known as his penis.

OS: That game should have just been credited to him.

OS: VINCE: 1, USC Humanitarians, 0

Peter: Seriously - Vince Young cuts Pete's illicit diamonds with his cock. True story.

OS: Don't doubt it. He loves the orphans, too.

Peter: Your X Factor?

OS: I'm going back to the juggler.

OS: I saw him at Notre Dame, and just kept praying to myself quietly:

OS: "please say someone else sees that please say someone else sees that."

OS: you can see that, right?

OS: ?

Peter: Oh my God you hit the jackpot."

Peter: i might never stop watching that

Peter: That's it! -THAT- is what Karl Dorell is staring at, mesmerized!

OS:He can't think.

Peter: How could you?

OS: Maybe he hasn't asked anyone,

OS: This explains so much.

OS: "Hey, you see that shit, right? RIGHT?!?!"

Peter: That's it. All UCLA has to do is put that guy on the USC sidelines. Check mate.

OS: I'm in agreement. If that happens, they win.

OS: Unless Pete puts on the boonie hat and takes him to Nepal to amuse the poor schoolchildren.

OS: In which case, game set match Humanitarians.

Peter: Yup - only a preemptive banishment to the third world could stop that.

OS: Hey, he still might take the Bama gig.

OS: HEY-OOOO!!!

Peter: Zing!

OS: Peter, Nestor will likely hate this, but it was far too amusing to be legal.

Peter: We have no choice but to go with this.

OS: Oh, I'm not backing down.

OS: This is quality.

Peter: Tremendous. Capped by the juggler, and the key to victory. We practically won the game for UCLA anyway.

OS: Which is more than they'll do for themselves.

Uh yeah. Classic stuff from two of the very best of what we rag, tag army of bloggers from around the country has to offer. Thanks Peter and Orson. Tomorrow we may have a similar special treat. No promises though. But one thing for sure after UCLA pulls out this win on Saturday, Bruin fans will never have to pay for a drink either in Gainesville or Ann Arbor. GO BRUINS.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of BruinsNation's (BN) editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of BN's editors.

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Comments

This half was even funnier than the first.

The part about Dorrell being mesmerized by the juggler is gold. "You guys see that, right?" They figured it all out. KD can't take his eyes off the juggler. I'm still laughing out loud about it.

Seriously, why do we have a juggler on the sidelines? Can somebody explain that to me? We don't have juggling classes at UCLA, as far as I know. Our mascot is the Bruin. This isn't a clown college, despite what our rivals may have to say about it. If we must have a juggler, can we at least use him to distract our opponents the way these guys suggested we do? Maybe then Dorrell can wake up.

by Bruin Roar on Nov 30, 2006 10:56 AM PST 0 recs

Juggler

He's actually a part of the Bruin Marching Band and (I'm pretty sure) got help transfering from UCSD to UCLA through the band director. He gave the director a dvd "audition" via a close friend in the band. I remember seeing the dvd the summer before he transfered here thinking it was sort of a joke. The band had recently lost its "Golden Girl" or baton girl (who went on to become Miss California and place fourth in Miss America), and he was sort of a "replacement."

Of course, he has since become very well know all over campus.

by ak4797 on Nov 30, 2006 11:11 AM PST 0 recs

A real feel good story.

That's nice. Does this guy realize that he is considered a huge joke? That was a brilliant decision to hire this goof as a substitute for a baton girl.

It's not enough that we stink in football. We need to embarrass ourselves further by having a juggler on the sidelines. The circus is in town! Oh wait, that's just UCLA. Sickening.

by Bruin Roar on Nov 30, 2006 1:07 PM PST up 0 recs

The Juggler

is a joke just like our football coach.

by bluestreet on Nov 30, 2006 1:13 PM PST up 0 recs

Juggler a joke?

Let me clarify a bit. While I did comment that initially I found him as kind of a joke, I now do find him as a welcome addition to the Bruin Band.

Sure, its different and reminiscent of a circus act, but at least he's not prancing around in a skirt or riding a horse that uses a football field as his own personal bathroom.

I know I'm not going to be able to convince you all otherwise, but from the standing ovations he gets after his performances at both Football and Basketball games (and Spring Sing for that matter), he isn't considered a joke by all.

by ak4797 on Nov 30, 2006 1:26 PM PST 0 recs

Sorry

I know there are many BNers who are member of our band. And I dig our band.

But that juggler dude ... should stick to doing some routines during lunch time at Meyerhoff Park. He doesn't belong at football or a basketball game.

by Nestor on Nov 30, 2006 1:31 PM PST up 0 recs

The Juggler

I like juggling. I also like football. I like golf, and I like sex (or at least I think I did when I was younger, but I digress.)

All the things you like don't necessarily mix well. I doubt if golf and sex mix well, although it's undoubtedly been tried. Likewise, I don't think the juggler and big time college sports go together.

As a separate act, or as half-time show during golf or sex, yeah -- he'd be fine. But not on the sidelines of a football game.

by Fox 71 on Nov 30, 2006 2:06 PM PST up 0 recs

I must say...

I haven't been to a game since Oklahoma last season, and I didn't know we had a juggler. I guess the "I want every man, woman, and child on their feet..." guy is no longer the most embarrassing person on the sideline. Oh wait, I forgot about Karl...

by Westwood Wizard on Nov 30, 2006 4:17 PM PST up 0 recs

Ahem

The "I want every man, woman, and child" guy will ALWAYS rule. There is nothing embarassing about him. He leads the best 8-clap this side of Ed O' Bannon. :)

by BruinTJ on Nov 30, 2006 4:56 PM PST up 0 recs

Cool to us...

...but when you watch a game with someone that didn't go to UCLA, you see him through different eyes.

I love his spirit--pumped up the crowd at the last bonfire I went to (um, which was the last time we won) like nobody's business. If anyone could turn on the URSA lady, it would have been him (I assume that URSA's phone line is gone now).

by Westwood Wizard on Nov 30, 2006 6:10 PM PST up 0 recs

wow...

can't imagine ursa being operated by phone. It's been URSA online since I've been in college (02-06). Haha what did the URSA lady sound like?

by crazybunz on Nov 30, 2006 9:59 PM PST up 0 recs

URSA lady

I am cracking myself up right now imitating her voice!
"Sorry...the class you have selected is closed."
"Your grade is.........not yet available."
"Go go go Bruins...challenging the future!"

by tasser10 on Dec 1, 2006 9:02 AM PST up 0 recs

Any guy

that was arrested for trying to charter a helicopter to dump a ton of shi!t on Tommy Trojan is OK in my book.

by stevenucla on Nov 30, 2006 6:58 PM PST up 0 recs

Mark Eaton

Did they not know he went to UCLA, or did I miss the joke?

by vanaaron on Nov 30, 2006 2:50 PM PST 0 recs

Few Things....

Joe Francis the "Girls Gone Wild" guy went to UNLV not UCLA. As a UNLV alum, I remember a frat there that everyone wanted to be in because of Joe Francis, problem is, they're all dorks. But from what I hear, he donates big time to the frat. And before everyone starts talking shit about UNLV, all the rumors are true. You have never seen paid athletes until you have been on campus at UNLV, and yes, anyone can get accepted, as I am living proof. Also, since a certain un-named SUCk website is calling me out as to when I became a UCLA fan, I was born and raised in LA, have had season tix for football since I was 10 years old and yes even as a student at UNLV I made the drive home for the games.

Anyway....

The juggler guy is cool as hell, I have to say I like him a lot better than the baton chick.

Finally, the "Every man woman and child" guy, his name is Geoff. He is a really cool guy. Only thing I would change is that, I sit on the shade side and we are always the "go" and the sunny side is always the "Bruins" I want to be the "Bruins", even just for one game.

by UCLA Jay on Nov 30, 2006 7:35 PM PST 0 recs