Pardon Our IMs (Part I): Longhorns and Gators on UCLA-$C

Since everyone from Fox Sports, WWL, ABC to even all the local hacks in LA's traditional media has tOSU and Southern Cal penciled in for the Championship, some people are thinking no one will be watching this weekend's game at the Rose Bowl. Think again. The Bruin Nation will have an army of fans from Florida and Michigan rooting for our boys in blue and gold. So naturally we asked couple of the premiere writers from our world of college football blogosphere to give us their thoughts on this Saturday. Our good friends - Peter Bean from Burnt Orange Nation (Texas) and Orson Swindle from Every Day Should Be Saturday (Florida) - didn't disappoint. Orson and Peter emailed us this IM exchange (if you still don't know what "IM" is, then look up Mark Foley on "the google"), which we had to break up in two parts. Here is Part I on Peter and Orson's version of IM Interruption on UCLA v. Southern Cal. We will post Part II towards the end of today's lunch hour. GO BRUINS. - N

OS: Starting now: why, oh why, should we put any stake in this game.

Peter: 'll just go ahead and say it now: i think a UCLA upset of USC, however far fetched, might be among the most amazingly great non-texas things that i can imagine.

OS: Before I go into supermetaironic mode, yes: that would be amazingly great, and very non-texas.

OS:Especially with the lack of firearms in the crowd.

OS: And red meat.

Peter And all the liberals.

OS: Damned liberals.

Peter: Bad word outside Austin.

Peter: Do you think Nancy Pelosi will congratulate both teams?

OS: It depends.

OS: Which one of them can swing more votes?

OS: I'm thinking UCLA--bigger student population.

Peter: U$C can fund raise, though.

OS: They wear red.

OS: I go with UCLA there.

Peter: And Pete Carroll is more of a humanitarian

OS: He told me that!

Peter: Me too!

OS: Pete Carroll--wearing a boonie cap handing out antibiotics in the Sudan.

Peter: I heard he bribed the Hutus to lay off the Tutsis.

OS: ...saying "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" to guinea worm in Gabon...

Peter: He may be shady. But his intentions, man...

OS:  Crystal clear. Even if he's using Reggie Bush's house to shelter blood diamond money.

OS: It's all going to the kids.

Peter: I was wondering where all that bling was being stashed until I saw the team photo.

OS: Hey, beating them doesn't mean you can just mudsling like that.

OS: Having a blog does, though.

Peter The better team didn't win. We're still a little insecure.

OS: Matt Leinart told me that.

OS: He also told me Pete was a humanitarian.

OS: After knocking up my wife.

Peter: Hope he didn't whisper it in your ear. You might get a nasty growth.

OS: Guess I should get TCOAN looked at, then.

OS: She apologized, but said that ESPN told her "he was the best ever."

Peter: Probably best to loan your wife out to Dorrell, not Petey. Karl's apparently far less animated. Less... sexual.

OS: Less...awake.

Peter: I heard the USC weight room has five sex swings in it.

OS: UCLA's has a lovely chaise lounge, from what I hear.

OS: But they keep it clean, unlike the Stanford biohazard couch.

Peter: And a new poster for the players to slap: "Play like a champion today. (Or not. We don't care.)"

Peter: Dorrell's idea, I'm told.

OS: Nestor suggests we should root for them out of "public school solidarity."

Peter: Oklahoma is a public "school." I can't do that.

OS: I oppose it, too.

OS: I base this on hating every public schools I attended. Except for Florida, of course.

Peter: Can i confess to going to a private school through 8th grade?

OS: I've seen photos. Hold on...

Peter: Went to public high school, though, so I'm kosher.

OS: Is Texas lawyer-to-be kosher?

OS: I'd think not. Long pig doesn't pass rabbinical standards.

OS: Neither would UCLA's offense, either...unclean!

Peter: Foul. Bury it deep in the ground.

OS: Point was: the part in your hair is too casually precise to be a public school kid.

Peter: lol

Peter: I learned that part at Vanderbilt

OS: Public school kids tend to use too much gel.

Peter: 1.5 years there before transfer.

OS: Ah. Get your Bass Pro Shops sticker?

Peter:  I was -this- close to sticking it out for four years and completely selling my entire identity, but chickened out.

OS:  I was accepted there, actually.

Peter: You were wise not to attend.

Peter: Everyone's exactly the same.

OS: They told me not to attend on the basis of my sexuality.

Peter: Alive?

OS: No--some nonsense about my "repulsive but irresistible sexual charm."

OS: Or my hygiene.

Peter: Dirty hippie. They still lynch those, btw.

OS: Hey, like your boy Matthew McConoughey, I choose to "smell like a man."

OS: A homeless, gin-soaked man.

Peter: This brings up a philosophical question: would you rather have Dorrell or Gailey?

OS: I'll take Karl.

Peter: Ballsy. But I agree.

Peter: Gailey has a suckitude that Dorrell doesn't have the personality to ever muster; disappointing to some BNers, I'm sure.

OS: Very astute!

OS: Gailey, too, is slightly likeable.

OS: When you break up with Chan, he's gonna cry.

OS: It'll be ugly.

OS: You'll hate yourself.

Peter: I want to see Pete Carroll cry. And not just for wounded antelopes.

OS: Or the orphans.

OS: Or because someone dinged his unicycle made of gold.

OS: (I imagine him riding that around campus)

Peter: Or because it was exposed that he was trained by Henry Kissinger.

OS: And Zig Ziglar.

OS: Karl wouldn't ever go to shit like Chan does here:

Peter: I think, when it's all said and done, we're going to get a Robert McNamara-esque confessional from Pete Carroll.  "All the people I killed to get to the top! The horrible things I did!"

OS: : I stole the tv!

OS: I forced Paul Hackett to make gay porn at gunpoint!

OS: I drowned a Matrix high school teacher in three inches of water to get Reggie eligible!

OS: I DID IT ALLLLLL!!!!! (weeps...)

Peter: still laughing at that hackett line. ok, back to it

OS: Chan may be mediocre...but he feels it.

Peter: Do you think Karl practices faux emotion in the mirror?

OS: He's like the guy who breaks down crying while singing "Unanswered Prayers" at karaoke.

OS: Chan, that is.

OS: I think Karl probably practices HU-mann interaction daily.

OS: That's what happens when you name someone Karl with a K

Peter: I imagine him really liking IM chats because he can use emoticons and thinking, "God I wish real life had emoticons."

OS: Umm...yeah...that's, weird....



OS: If there's a Bruin play named OMG left Ace Slam

OS: You'll confirm your theories.

Peter: That's Pete Carroll's screen name, btw.

OS: No.

OS: His is MagicGriffinSwordOfJustice793

OS: And his clan in WoW is unstoppable.

Peter: Humanitarian911

OS: NobelGuapo03

Peter: AVoteForPeteIsAVoteAgainstAIDS

OS: A vote for Gary Barnett would be a vote against girls.

OS: Especially terrible girls.

Peter: how long until he resurfaces?

Peter: Is he recruiting for USC now? That'd be an awesome fit, now that I think about it.

OS: Too soon, unfortunately.

OS: I really hope Bama gets him.

OS: If he's stashing slush funds In Boulder, imagine the splendor of him in the hogwallow of Alabama athletics.

Peter: Steve Spurrier is already hired at Bama. Touched down in Tuscaloosa about... lemme check.... 6 minutes ago.

OS: You've been following the plane, too?

Peter: His stunt double just got hired as Texas' defensive coordinator, too. Which we're pleased with.

OS: Excellent. He takes a kick in the ass from Mike Dubose and Jackie Sherrill like a pro.

OS: Giants. They always lose to the midgets.

OS: Nestor probably wants us to discuss his team at one point.

Peter: Who is Nestor?

OS: (He was an Argonaut. Also a Blogger.)

OS: So we'll compare the two on several critical factors.

We will post the part 2 of this Mark Foley chat later this lunch hour. - N

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of BruinsNation's (BN) editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of BN's editors.