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I Hate Bill Simmons (and you should too)

I Hate Bill Simmons (and you should too)

Disclaimer: My prejudice against idiots and brainless morons somehow finding a way to hold down steady jobs is all over the following. If you are a fan of self-serving, lazy, and witless buffoons like Bill Simmons, do not read any further.

I've hated Bill Simmons for a long time now. Ever since he polluted ESPN's "Page 2" by taking a figurative dump on it with his Red Sox-centric ramblings, I've waited for the day that they finally cut that failed experiment, and rededicate the bandwidth to something more entertaining than his "writing", like maybe linking to a YouTube video of someone getting a colonoscopy. Sadly, I can only conclude that a large proportion of's readers enjoy writing that is light on facts and heavy on BOOOORRRIIINNNGGGGGGG, because this is the only explanation for this hack still having a job.

I only bring this up because he has recently written his own little hit piece on the Bruin faithful. Now, it is normally not my policy to link to idiots and give them more web traffic (which explains why I rarely link to trOJan news/spin outlets), so for the sake of consistency, I'll quote the relevant points.

UCLA fans are like Toronto Raptors fans: There are more of them than you'd ever think, they take every slight personally, and they'll absolutely keep sending angry e-mails to people like me until their team is given the credit they deserve. Even my accountant Tony (a UCLA fan) sent me a mean e-mail when I didn't mention the Bruins in Tuesday's column, telling me in no uncertain terms, "I'm going to butcher your taxes this April unless you write something." OK, he didn't say that. But he did tell me to move back to the East Coast if I was going to keep ignoring the Bruins. I was wounded.

What? There are more of us than you'd think? No, you're right Bill, we have something to be ashamed of. I mean, our basketball team is #2 in the country, our football team owns Los Angeles, we are closing in on 100 National Championships, and we have the greatest college basketball tradition in the country. Who would want to get behind that? Now, I realize that by writing this, some might say that I confirm his whole "we take everything personally" shtick. Except this is not a slight, it's a straight up hit piece, and he's arrogant enough to think that the majority of us hang on his every word, looking to see where he mentions (or in this case, fails to mention) the Bruins. But just when you think he's done baselessly attacking one large group of people...

Anyway, I called an audible and TiVo'ed the UCLA game Thursday night. The reason I haven't been monitoring them is simple: the Pac-10 sucks. Don't let anyone tell you differently. For instance, Washington State's team looked like an intramural team of stoners who would give themselves a name like "The 420 All-Stars" -- they even had one starting forward with a scraggly beard who looked like he should have been hanging out on a street corner trying to sign people up for Greenpeace. UCLA is considerably better than anyone else in that conference. Which isn't really that interesting in the big scheme of things. That's why I didn't write about them yet.

The Pac-10 sucks.

Were you born stupid, Bill? Back up your talk or shut up. Oh no wait, your evidence is that "Washington State's players have facial hair". Got it. Dumbass.

But let's give the guy credit, he's right, we really aren't that interesting. Who would want to hear about a title contender for the NCAA Tournament in March? Yeah, I'm sure America would much rather read about how many times you had to change your father's Depends during the Celtics' 9 billion game losing streak. Fear not, Spring Training is starting, so I'm sure you'll have plenty of interesting stories for a while, like how many times Terry Francona scratched his ass during the first inning. Fascinating.

After Tuesday's column, when I wrote the section that Texas A&M and Wisconsin were the only two blowout-proof teams in college basketball this season, some UCLA fans wondered why I didn't include the Bruins in that group. You know what? They're right. Nobody's blowing out UCLA. They're too smart and too good. Whether they have enough size to win a championship ... that's a whole other story. I say no.

Apparently this is the "slight" that caused Bill's inbox to light up with so many incensed Bruin fans. I assure you I was not one of them (because I don't normally read his BS), I can live with that, but one has to wonder how he forgets to include UCLA which is now apparently in his backyard, but is able to immediately list two teams who have lost recently instead. As for his prediction? His writing sample shows me that this guy is a brainless turd, so I can't say that I'm bothered by it. He probably thinks the Celtics are going to be a 3 seed.

Bill is a busy man though. He's got Clippers season tickets (a sound investment), and he's too busy hobnobbing with Frankie Muniz to do his job correctly. The fact that he still has a job makes me lose faith in America.

(I am aware a lot of his writing is meant to be satirical for the purpose of entertainment and is not based on the facts. That excuses some of the does not excuse the fact that 98.9% of his writing is weapons-grade BORING.)

Further Reading: From The Stanford Daily, far more articulate than my limited South Campus vocabulary will allow me to be.