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Chianti Dan Meets with the Chancellor to Discuss UCLA Football


Scene: Basement of the Morgan Center, Chancellor Gene Block arrives.

Chancellor Gene Block: Let me have your attention for a moment. 'Cause you're talkin' about're talkin' 'bout...complainin' about that coach you fired, some son of a gun don't want to coach here, somebody don't want what you're selling, some broad you're trying to screw, so forth, let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

Faculty Athletic Representative Donald Morrison: All but one.

CGB: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. (sees Chianti Dan pouring chianti). Put that chianti down. Chianti's for closers only. You think I'm screwin' with you? I am not screwin' with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Wasserman and Aikman. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Chianti Dan?

Chianti Dan: Yeah.

CGB: You call yourself an athletic director, you son of a gun?

Mark Harlan: I don't gotta listen to this garbage.

CGB: You certainly don't pal 'cause the good news is you're fired. The bad news is you got all you got, just one week to regain your job, starting with tonight, starting with tonight's sits. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's contest. As you all know, first prize is an elite head football coach. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got leads. Wasserman and Aikman paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close squat, you are nothing, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out.

Chianti Dan: The leads are weak.

CGB: The leads are weak. The freakin' leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business 15 years ...

MH: What's your name?

CGB: Screw you, that's my name. You know why mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an 80,000 dollar BMW. That's my name. (To Chianti Dan) And your name is you're wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't close them? Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me you weaklings?

(Flips the blackboard)

ABC. A, Always, B, Be, C, Closing. Always be closing. Always be closing. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? I know you are 'cause it's screw or walk. You close or you hit the bricks. Decision. Have you made your decision for Christ? And action. AIDA. Get out there. You got the prospects coming in, you think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don't walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. They're sitting out there waiting to coach your football team. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it? (To Harlan) What's the problem, pal?

MH: You, boss, you're such a hero, you're so rich, how come you're coming down here and wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

CGB: You see this watch? You see this watch?

MH: Yeah.

CGB: That watch costs more than your car. I made 970,000 dollars last year, how much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't care. Good father. Screw you, go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you jerk? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit. If you don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight, the materials you got, hire an elite football coach. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? Can you?

Go and do likewise. AIDA. Get mad you son-of-a-gun. Get mad. You know what it takes to be an athletic director? It takes brass balls to be an athletic director. Go and do likewise, gents. The coaches are out there, you pick them up, they're yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. You want to go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it's yours, if not, you're going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: ''Oh yeah, I used to be an athletic director. It's a tough racket.''

These are the new leads. These are the Petersen leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for closers. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (To MH) And to answer your question, pal: Why am I here? I came here because Wasserman and Aikman asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire you because a loser is a loser.