The last few seconds were ticking off with Oregon in the victory formation. UCLA had just suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Ducks, with all the drama and controversy occurring on the UCLA sidelines.
The magnitude of the event prompted special correspondent Garlic Joe to come out of his three-year sabbatical and find out exactly how this disastrous outing would be portrayed on the next episode of The Drive, the show that has been following the UCLA Bruins football team on the Pac-12 Networks.
Through his exclusive access, Garlic Joe got a glimpse of some of the footage that will be available for episode eight, though of course not all of that footage will be used in the final edit.
Not surprisingly, much of the episode will feature a profile of Jeff Ulbrich, the Bruins' first-year defensive coordinator who was seen trying to storm off the sidelines after handing Head Coach Jim Mora his headset and playcard.
The feature shows part of the team's preparation for the Oregon game, with "Brick" repeatedly drilling his players with his mantra of "gap discipline", over and over. After taking over from Spanos, Brick changed the defensive scheme and has been tutoring his disciples relentlessly, insisting on using the same formation in every game and every play.
"This UCLA team has been so soft, commits so many penalties, man, we have to emphasize discipline with repetition."
Obviously, most viewers will be interested in hearing more about the sideline incident. Since that piece will likely not be covered in the show (it is safe to assume Coach Mora will veto it), Garlic Joe was able to get access to exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of an interview with Brick and Mora:
The Drive: Brick, why did you try to storm off and leave the field? Are you in over your head?
Brick: Man, come on. That is ridiculous, that's not what happened at all.
The Drive: ok, then please explain.
Brick: All right look, I'm standing there in f[bleep]ing 100 degree heat and sweating my ass off. Candlestick never got that hot, man. It's like the hottest time of the day, and I just couldn't take it anymore. My beard was driving me nuts. It's f[bleep]ing itching like crazy and I'm about to lose it man. And I finally did. So I handed my headset and playcard to Jim and told him I'd be right back.
The Drive: where were you going?
Brick: I was going to shave that f[bleep]ing thing off! It was like a f[bleep]ing mongoose rubbing its wet ass against my face, it was horrible.
The Drive: what did Jim say?
Brick: [sighs] He told me to come back and wait. Then he took my beard in his hands and said in his sweet voice "Jeff, please don't shave your beard...I love your beard."
The Drive: is that all?
Brick: man, that's all I needed to hear.
[cut to Mora, tears welling in his eyes]
Mora: What else can I say...I love that beard.
Despite all the week's preparation, UCLA was handily defeated and the post-game locker room scene was not pretty. Again, Garlic Joe obtained some exclusive footage:
Brick: [screaming] What the [bleep] was that, guys? I mean what the hell! I talked all week about Gap discipline, and f[bleep]ing game time comes and what do I see? Half you mother[bleep]ers wearing Abercrombie & Fitch underwear, what the [bleep]! How many times did I say it?! Gap, goddamit, Gap. You can only f[bleep]ing wear Gap."
The scene cuts to a half empty Rose Bowl, at the beginning of the fourth quarter. The Drive attempted to speak to Athletic Director Dan Guerrero but he was not available. A Morgan Center spokesperson was interviewed instead.
The Drive: what do you make of all those fans leaving early?
SP: oh they weren't leaving early, they were taking advantage of our new Green program.
The Drive: Green program?
SP: Yes. In association with CalTrans, UCLA has devised an environmentally friendly exit strategy from the Rose Bowl that gives fans a free key chain for leaving early and not causing traffic, thus reducing pollution.
The Drive: Uh...isn't the crowd important, especially for such a big game?
SP: What is important is to make the game experience enjoyable for all.
The Drive: Isn't winning the most enjoyable experience?
SP: Not at the Rose Bowl, in our opinion. Everything revolves around traffic and tailgating.
The Drive: We also heard some of the gates were not open in time for the crowds?
SP: As I said, tailgating is a special experience at the Rose Bowl, so we made sure to not let everyone in too soon so they would have time to enjoy the golf course.
It is unclear if this week's episode will feature any talks with the Mazzones. Footage obtained by Garlic Joe shows extremely bizarre behavior and answers, such as:
The Drive: Why was Arizona's offense able to score on the Ducks more than UCLA?
NM: You know, it's funny, last night I was looking up at the sky, and you know in LA it's hard to see stars, but then I finally saw one but it was moving so it was probably a plane.
Finally, very little footage of the preparations for the game against UC Berkeley were made available. However Jim Mora was spotted walking into Spaulding holding a strangely familiar statue and followed by some live chickens...
