WESTWOOD, CA. - The UCLA Football Program held its annual Kickoff Dinner sponsored by the Wooden Athletic Fund on August 26, 2015. To the shock and surprise of absolutely no one, Head Coach Jim Mora was completely sober for the entire event. Mr. Mora gave speeches, spoke with boosters and fans, and even posed for pictures without slurring his words or belittling opponents even a single time.
Mr. Mora, who does not have a history of behavior problems or consecutive seven win seasons, seemed surprised when asked to comment on his completely appropriate demeanor. "Of course I am sober, there are kids here!" responded Mora when asked why he did not drink excessively or fictitiously mix alcohol with "medication."
Mr. Mora also denied seeking treatment for his non-problem, saying, "This is the dumbest line of questioning I have ever heard." before abruptly heading off to greet a group of children and their alumni parents to thank them for their continued support.
Dan Guerrero, Athletic Director at UCLA, was quick to respond to inquiries about Mora's model behavior. "If Coach Mora does not have a problem, then we will get him the help that he needs. . . wait . . . Did you say he does have a problem, or that he does not have a problem? I am confused. What day is it?"
Chancellor Block could not be reached for comment on anything other than the hotel that is being built next to Spaulding Field.