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UCLA Football: Stanford Is an Awful Houseguest

Stanford Football is the type of houseguest that you regret opening the door for almost immediately.

Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Congratulations, UCLA! You just beat BYU on the road, getting to 2-1 on the year. That was probably the optimistic outlook on these first three games, and though the road may have been unconventional, you’ve arrived at the end of the nonconference schedule in a good place. Things are looking up! If we can get a good start to the conference schedule, we can really get rolling!

*knock knock*

Oh? Someone appears to be at the door! Excuse me one second.


Ok, ok stay calm. Yes things haven’t gone well the past.....well, it's been a really long time, but maybe Stanford will be a better houseguest this time?

Oh great, David Shaw set up his grill on the lawn and is cooking his non-GMO farm-raised Soy Burgers with 100% less antioxidants. I hate when he does that THEY AREN'T EVEN REAL BURGERS, DAVID!

Alright, that’s fine. This is the year. After all, Kevin Hogan is finally gone, which means it’ll be new quarterback Ryan Burns who UCLA will watch helplessly as he goes for 400 yards passing will harass on defense. And yes, Christian McCaffrey is very good, but he’s only one player, and please don’t pay attention to the 200+ all-purpose yards he just put up against USC. He only did that because USC can’t play defense.

Please pay no attention to recent history in this series. Yes, Stanford has beaten Mora’s Bruins by an average score of 34.6 to 19.2, but that’s all in the past. This UCLA team is different. They have a new pro-style I MEAN MULTIPLE OFFENSE I’M SO SORRY COACH MORA I DIDN’T MEAN TO CALL THIS A PRO-STYLE OFFENSE. The defense has finally learned how to blitz effectively! The team is more disciplined! The game is at the Rose Bowl, which is almost as intimidating as Kyle Field.*

* - This is obviously not even close to being true.

Look, I know many of you don’t believe UCLA has a chance in this game, and I understand your concerns SOLOMON THOMAS YOU GET DOWN FROM THAT CHANDELIER THIS INSTANT! Sorry about that. After all, when you lose 8 in a row, you do tend to lose the benefit of the doubt.

But here me out! This is totally the year UCLA wins, and I’m here to outline exactly how that happens:

  1. Maybe Stanford just forgets to show up - Hey, it’s possible!
  2. UCLA has been tanking for three weeks - This would explain a few things, such as the lackluster play exhibited in the past few weeks. Now, you may be asking why a team would willingly play bad during the season, to which I would respond by asking what BYU placed last year in the PAC-12. Oh, that’s right, those games don’t matter. After all, Stanford lost to Northwestern to start the year last year, and still managed to make it to another Rose Bowl. Dreams are real.
  3. David Shaw gets sick, Jeff Fisher takes over as Stanford Coach - Now, obviously I mean that Shaw has a cold that keeps him off the sideline, but Jeff Fisher seems like he really wants to coach a team that isn’t the Rams. Might as well give him a shot since he’s nearby and available.
  4. UCLA plays extremely disciplined football, enacting a game plan that takes advantage of Stanford’s weaknesses and adjusts to the flow of the game - I mean sure we can try this too but it seems a little far-fetched.

Alright, I gotta go. Toby Gerhart just showed up and tracked mud all over the house, because I guess he had nothing better to do this weekend.