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UCLA Pregame Guesses: Bowl Season Edition

A serious look at every upcoming college bowl game.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Bad Religion "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" 12/18/13 (via Team Coco)

(This week's video is "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" performed by Bad Religion on Conan.)

On top of nothing really going on with UCLA football this week, it’s cold and flu season and I got one. Or the other. I’m not sure. So, you’ll have to forgive me for sort of mailing in this week’s Guesses post and just reviewing all of the bowl games coming up starting tomorrow. I’ll post some guesses at the end, but feel free to just toss in your thoughts on any of the games.

Saturday, December 21

Gildan New Mexico Bowl

Colorado State vs Washington State

Albuquerque, New Mexico

I had to look up what Gildan was and I’m still not sure. Their site is available in both English and French. That’s sort of interesting. Here’s another interesting fact: I used to coach youth football with a guy who played semi-pro ball in France. Did you even know France had semi-pro football? I didn’t. It was pretty cool. His son was the center and we would send in the plays in French and he’d relay them to the quarterback. I think Gildan makes sweatshirt and underwear. I have no idea what to make of this game but will go with WSU because they are in the Pac 12.

Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl

Fresno State vs USC

Las Vegas, Nevada

Royal Purple is a synthetic high performance lubricant. This is fitting because Las Vegas is a synthetic high performance city. The only time I’ve been to Sam Boyd Stadium is to see the Grateful Dead, which I did a bunch of times. One time, Sting was the opening act. He wore a tye-dyed shirt, trying to fit in. Southern Cal belongs in this game because they are sort of synthetic and greasy. I’m going with Fresno State because fuck SC.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Buffalo vs. San Diego State

Boise, Idaho

I hardly ever eat baked potatoes, but I grilled some steaks tonight (Costco has some nice boneless rib eyes lately) and what the hell we baked a few potatoes and boy were they good. I have to remember to eat more baked potatoes. I’m going with Buffalo because I bet it’s cold in Boise and I don’t think a team from San Diego will function if the temperature dips below like 72 degrees.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

Tulane vs. UL Lafayette

New Orleans, Louisiana

R+L Carriers is your global transportation solution. I don’t know what that means either. New Orleans is pretty cool though. I’ve been a bunch of times and always need a vacation to recover from my vacation. I’m not sure December is the best time to be there, though. Also, I want to see the last season of Treme and it’s three episodes in and I haven’t watched any of them yet. I’m going with Tulane because one of my best friend’s kids is a freshman there.

That wraps up the opening day games. Seriously, will you be glued to your TV for 13 straight hours tomorrow. I know I will.

Monday, December 23

Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg

East Carolina vs. Ohio

St. Petersburg, Florida

Apparently, this is a sports bar. A sports bar with a kid’s zone. In other words: Hell On Earth. I’d rather watch a game in the Southern Cal student lounge than in a chain sports bar with a kid’s menu. In protest, I refuse to pick a winner in this game. Screw Beef ‘O’ Brady. And why does the ‘O’ have an apostrophe before and after? I don’t want to know.

Tuesday, December 24

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Boise State vs. Oregon State

Honolulu, Hawaii

I’ll probably watch this game intently because feigning interest in a game I could care less about will be better than listening to my brother in law and my sister in law bitch at each other all Christmas Eve. Who will win? I’ll go with Mike Riley over whoever will be leading Boise State during their long, slow slide back to mediocrity.

Thursday, December 26

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl

Detroit, Michigan

Bowling Green vs. Pittsburgh

I’ve actually heard of Little Caesars Pizza. I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten their pizza, though. I’m actually one of only about 17 Americans who doesn’t really like pizza. I don’t like ice cream, either. Weird, right? My prediction for this game is a mostly empty Ford Field.

San Diego County CU Poinsettia Bowl

Northern Illinois vs. Utah State

San Diego, California

If you’re thinking of attending this game, I recommend the Gaslamp Plaza Suites. Nice hotel, I’ve stayed there a few times. But not for this game, though. I’m picking Northern Illinois because nothing says Poinsettia like Northern Illinois.

Friday, December 27

Military Bowl

Marshall vs. Maryland

Annapolis, Maryland

Why? I’m picking Maryland for obvious reasons.

I’m not even halfway done with this and I’m starting to burn out. Imagine having to watch all these crappy games?

Texas Bowl

Minnesota vs. Syracuse

Houston, Texas

I don’t like these game without real sponsors. What fun is that? Why is Texas sponsoring this game? Are people from Minnesota just dying to visit Houston during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day? I’m going with Syracuse because their mascot is a color, while Minnesota’s mascot is a colored rodent. Gophers are rodent’s, right? Whatever, who cares.

Fight Hunger Bowl

BYU vs. Washington

San Francisco, California

I went to this game when UCLA played in it. Florida State, right? Did we play in it twice? I can’t remember. I’m really having memory problems lately. Seriously. This game sucks. Both teams stand on the same sideline. It’s effing freezing. I hope both teams and all the fans get the flu. I’m going with BYU because Washington has no coach, I don’t think.

Saturday, December 28

New Era Pinstripe Bowl

Bronx, New York

Notre Dame vs. Rutgers

This is the first of four great college football games to be played next Saturday. What a day. I’ve already told the wife not to plan anything because I’m not leaving the Lazy Boy. New Era makes cool caps, just in case you didn’t know. I’ve got a nice, all black New Era UCLA cap. I’m picking Notre Dame because there is something obnoxiously connected about the Fighting Irish and the Yankees. You just know that there are a bunch of front runners who pull for both teams.

Belk Bowl

Cincinnati vs. North Carolina

Charlotte, North Carolina

Belk manufactures really ugly collegiate sports wear. Belk can’t carry New Era’s jock. I bet the players throw their entire bowl gift basket away because there is no way you will get a girlfriend if you wear Belk products. I like North Carolina because the game is being played in North Carolina.

Russell Athletic Bowl

Louisville vs. Miami, FL

Orlando, Florida

Another apparel game. Imagine watching all these games and you could only wear New Era, Belk and Russell Athletic products. I’m going with Louisville because their coach seems pretty cool.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl
Kansas State vs. Michigan

Tempe, Arizona

I’ve never been to a Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl. I do know they sponsor the Dan Patrick Radio Show. Also, they just opened one up in my neighborhood, near the Fox Hills Mall. It might actually be in the Fox Hills Mall. They just ran a promotion giving away free wings for a year. I didn’t try to win but the fiancé of one of my co-workers showed up at the store on opening day at 4 am and what do you know, he won. But, really, he lost. Michigan

Monday, December 30

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl

Middle Tennessee vs. Navy

Fort Worth, Texas

Don’t confuse this with the Military Bowl. Do. Not. Confuse. This. With. The. Military. Bowl. Just because the Military Bowl is played in Annapolis and the Naval Academy is in Annapolis and Navy is playing in the Armed Forces Bowl – don’t confuse them. Navy wins this one, handily.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Georgia Tech vs. Ole Miss

Nashville, Tennessee

Georgia Tech

Valero Alamo Bowl

Oregon vs. Texas

San Antonia, Texas


National University Holiday Bowl

Arizona State vs. Texas Tech

San Diego, California

Arizona State

Is anyone still reading this? Can you believe there are four games on Monday December 30 and four more on Tuesday, December 31? Holy crap, there is something really, really wrong with this.

Tuesday, December 31

AdvoCare V100 Bowl

Arizona vs. Boston College

San Diego, California

AdvoCare is a premier health and wellness company offering more than 70 exclusive nutritional and skincare products. I don’t know what V100 is – that’s what Google is for. This seems like it might be a good game to watch. I’m picking Boston College because I hate Arizona basketball fans.

Hyundai Sun Bowl

UCLA vs. Virginia Tech

El Paso, Texas

Fucking finally. It took me an hour to get to the UCLA game. I really think we’re going to win this game because the ACC looks like a really weak conference after you get past the fact that Florida State might win the national championship. Other than that, the ACC sucks. Duke played in their title game. Duke would lose to Cal. Plus, you just know UCLA wants to send Brett Hundley to the pros a winner. Just kidding. I don’t know that’s going to happen. It is odd though that Tommy Maddox also quarterbacked UCLA in the Sun Bowl and he also ruined his entire life by leaving UCLA after his redshirt sophomore year. Don’t make that same mistake Brett. Come back, Brett, come back.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl

Mississippi State vs. Rice

Memphis, Tennessee

I honestly thought they cancelled the Liberty Bowl. I think UCLA once played Alabama in the Liberty Bowl. And then the cancelled it. Or so I thought. Everything will be anti-climatic after the Sun Bowl, so this game is sure to be a letdown. I’m picking Rice because they are a traditional football power.

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Duke vs. Texas A&M

Atlanta, Georgia

Texas A&M. Fuck Duke.

Wednesday, January 1 Gator Bowl

Georgia vs. Nebraska

Jacksonville, Florida

This is the first of six game on New Year’s Day. Six. This day is why 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Please tell me in the comments if you seriously plan to watch all six games on January 1. I’m really hoping that Georgia blows Nebraska out so that our new year begins with Bo Pellini spontaneously combusting on the sidelines.

Heart of Dallas Bowl

North Texas vs. UNLV

Dallas, Texas (Duh!)

This game is like when Neil Diamond comes on stage during the movie The Last Waltz. Everyone gets up to stretch use the bathroom, get some popcorn. I pick UNLV by a score of 101-100 in 26 overtimes. This game won’t end until January 2.

Capital One Bowl

South Carolina vs. Wisconsin

Orlando, Florida

I’m not an Alec Baldwin fan because who in their right mind would remake The Getaway and try to play the Steve McQueen role? Total folly, right? But the Capital One commercials sort of amuse me. I’m picking the real USC because it allows me to mock Southern Cal by referring to South Carolina as the real USC. Screw you, fake USC Trojans.

We’re halfway through Wednesday.

Outback Bowl

Iowa vs. LSU

Tampa, Florida

I once went to an Outback Steakhouse because my sister in law likes crappy chain restaurants. LSU because of the shoulder stripes.

Rose Bowl Game

Michigan State vs. Stanford

Seoul, South Korea

Just kidding, the game will be in Pasadena

I will actually watch this game because I always watch the Rose Bowl. I just do. It’s more fun when UCLA plays in it, but we hardly ever do. I watch anyway. This actually looks like a really good game. I really want to pick Stanford because it would be good for the conference, but I like Michigan State. Stanford has been just a little bit inconsistent this season – lost to Utah and the fake USC – but beat us and Oregon. I fear this is Michigan State’s year.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

Baylor vs. UCF

Glendale, Arizona

I spent a month in Arizona one weekend back in 1985. UCLA played Miami in the Fiesta Bowl and it was a perfect debauched storm of UCLA students, Miami students and ASU students. It was a living Girls Gone Wild video. After the game, we drove four hours in the wrong direction before turning around and heading west. Baylor.

That’s it for six game Saturday.

Thursday, January 2

Allstate Sugar Bowl

Alabama vs. Oklahoma

New Orleans, Louisiana

New Orleans is pretty cool though. I’ve been a bunch of times and always need a vacation to recover from my vacation. I’m not sure December is the best time to be there, though. Also, I want to see the last season of Treme and it’s three episodes in and I haven’t watched any of them yet. Alabama.

Friday, January 3

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic

Missouri vs. Oklahoma State

Arlington, Texas

The Cotton Bowl makes me nostalgic for the old Southwestern Conference. Things were simpler when Oklahoma played Nebraska for the right to go to the Orange Bowl. Those were the days of the 100 dollar handshake, which might be making a comeback. Missouri.

Discover Orange Bowl

Clemson vs. Ohio State

Miami Gardens, Florida

Ohio State. The Nyquil is starting to kick in.

Holy crap, three more to go.

Saturday, January 4

BBVA Compass Bowl

Houston vs. Vanderbilt

Birmingham, Alabama

I don’t care anymore. Vanderbilt.

Sunday, January 5

GoDaddy Bowl

Arkansas State vs. Ball State

Mobile, Alabama

Why is this game next to last during bowl season? Ball State. No Arkansas State. No Ball State. No Arkansas State.

Monday, January 6

BCS National Championship Game

Florida State vs. Auburn

Pasadena, California

I plan to spend the day before the game at Venice Beach so I can watch the FSU and Auburn fans walk around and gawk at the pot shops. I plan to smoke a joint while I do this. I’m going with Auburn because SEC >ACC.

And with that, here are your Pregame Guesses, Bowl Season Edition:

  1. Who do you like in the GoDaddy Bowl?
  2. What game are you looking forward to watching the most, other than the UCLA game, the Rose Bowl and the national championship game?
  3. Who do you like, Auburn or Florida State?