UCLA Football Opponent Deep Cut: Colorado

The Deep Cut is a companion piece to the Opponent Preview, in which I take a closer look at something related to the opponent, with a humorous slant.

Our week 5 opponent, the Colorado Buffaloes, are a team I really like, and I could probably spend this entire column talking about how Ralphie is a top-tier mascot worthy of our admiration and respect (and also Ralphie would beat the hell out of Conquest, just saying). But I can do whatever I want with this thing, which means its time to delve into one of our country’s greatest conspiracy hot spots: the Denver International Airport.

Writers note: yes I know the University of Colorado is located in Boulder and not Denver just give me this please

The first thing you should know about Denver International Airport is that it is big - 54 square miles big. To put this in perspective, you could easily fit the area between Westwood and Downtown L.A. comfortably in the land that DIA occupies. It’s stupid big, and if you’re flying to this game, you’re realize this fact rather quickly.

The other thing you notice right away is the art. I’ve been to this airport a few times, most recently when I was 14, and even at a young, impressionable age, I knew this place had goofy art. I mean, look at this monstrosity:

This is Blue Mustang, a 32-foot tall statue that also managed to kill the guy who made it. I get that Denver people love the Broncos because they’re the only thing that has occasionally rewarded their blind faith, but this is ridiculous.

The size, the art, and the budget (the airport was $2 billion over budget when it finally opened, which is an excuse you can now use when your boss asks you why your travel expenses are a bit too high) helped to make this airport ripe for conspiracy theories, and as a good, rational American, I’m now going to discuss a few of them earnestly and with the proper respect that they deserve.

The Freemasons and the Illuminati

Full disclosure: I am not a member of the Freemasons, but I have seen The DaVinci Code and Angels & Demons multiple times (more A&D because I love me some Ewan McGregor) so I feel I am an expert in Freemason and Illuminati history.

So you should know that when I say that Denver International Airport is an important cog in the Illumanti’s plot to take over the world, I say it with the upmost confidence.

Consider for example, the fact that the airport was dedicated by the New World Airport Commission, which does not exist. That’s because it’s a front for the NEW WORLD ORDER!

That’s right! Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall helped plan Denver International Airport so that they could hide their secret base of operations while they planned their dastardly takeover of the wrestling world. And you may be saying “But Dimitri, the airport was built in 1994, while the NWO didn’t form until 1996!” but that’s just because you don’t understand how deep this whole thing goes.

Plus, Hulk Hogan’s involvement definitely explains why the airport layout kinda resembles a swastika.

I’m not saying the Hulkster is a Nazi per se, but if it walks like a racist duck, and quacks like a racist duck, then it’s probably a racist duck. Also a quick reminder that this entire piece is satire and thus I can’t be sued.

But the connection to the Freemasons is more important to us, a UCLA fan blog that is really hoping some people find this on Google and use it to spread very dumb ideas, because it is our clear connection to the University of Colorado. See, according to noted academic website Wikipedia.org, the Freemasons are descended from medieval stonemason guilds. Now follow me here:

Stonemason guilds are known for working with stone to make things.

And where do stones come from? Boulders.

And where is the University of Colorado located in? Boulder.

So where do a lot of Freemasons congregate? The University of Colorado at Boulder.

Suffice to say, the Denver International Airport, which is clearly a part of a larger conspiracy, was built by Freemasons from the University of Colorado to further their nefarious schemes. And what are those nefarious schemes you may ask?

The Fallout Shelters

Rumors have existed for years that part of the explanation for the giant size of Denver International Airport is that is houses secret fallout shelters that can keep the rich safe in case nuclear armageddon hits. It makes sense - it wouldn’t be the first time rich people spent a ridiculous amount of money to feel superficially safe - but I did some digging and found the actual truth.

On October 6th, 1990, the Universities of Colorado and Missouri met to play a game of football in Missouri that will forever be known as the 5th Down Game. Summarized, the officials forgot what down they were on and made a mistake, granting Colorado an extra down (the 5th Down) and thus allowing them to continue the drive for a touchdown, winning the game and ultimately a share of the national championship. Missouri fans point to this game as one of many nightmares they have had to endure on the football field, while Colorado fans shrug their shoulders and say “oh well, the past is the past.” Here’s a Youtube video of that final drive, just to trigger any Missouri fans who may be reading this article on accident:

Here is where my digging comes into play, because as I found out, the referee crew for this game was indefinitely suspended as a result. Was that because of an honest mistake, or was it because THEY WERE A SLEEPER CELL FOR COLORADO FOOTBALL????

See, the 5th Down was critical to Colorado’s national championship run, their only one in school history, and was part of a clear strategy to rig games in CU’s favor in an attempt to win that national championship. Clearly the strategy worked, but the 5th Down was too obvious, so Colorado did not utilize the strategy again.

Which is not to say that Colorado does not plan to use this strategy again.

As part of their strategy to steal another national championship in football, Colorado continued to plant sleeper cells throughout the country that are able to cripple a Buffalo opponent at a moment’s notice. Research indicated that Pac-12 Head of Officials David Coleman, the Leyland Stanford Junior University Marching Band, and USC coach Clay Helton are all members of this sleeper network, ready to enact failsafes to aid Colorado should the moment arise. Colorado ran a test of this system in 2016 to win their Pac-12 South title, and it worked well enough that the Colorado administration feel confident it could work on the national level again.

So how does this connect to the secret fallout shelters?

Colorado administrators and boosters noted the outcry that occurred following the 5th Down, so they built countermeasures to protect themselves from any backlash. This includes the fallout shelters at Denver International Airport, which can safely hide the entire University of Colorado community for 5 years while the anger a stolen national championship would cause has a chance to blow over. Studies from sources indicated that the state of Alabama would become a nuclear wasteland should the plan ever be enacted, but it was a sacrifice they were willing to make.

Lizard People Live Under the Airport

This one is clearly untrue. John Elway is more of a horse person than a lizard person.